Thursday, January 12, 2006
Turkey and the Avian Flu
Normally, I don’t bother with mundane news that’s covered by the major media, but they’ve finally slipped up.
For those of you that missed my stunning revelation, see my November 23rd article, the Truth about Turkeys.
I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve exposed them or this avian flu virus has them off their stride, but this has been all over the news. The turkeys are not only admitting to being worried about an avian flu pandemic, their admitting to being in charge of the government. There’s all this talk about “Turkish officials,” and they’re saying all sorts of complex things. And all the time most people though all turkeys did was gobble and drown in the rain! I knew nothing could actually be that stupid!
But this has all made me realize something most dire! This avian flu virus is capable of infecting people, and that can only mean one thing… the turkeys no longer have use for us and are developing biological weapons to wipe us out! Clearly they’ve recruited millions of suicide chickens to deliver this deadly, engineered disease. Fortunately this first version has proven too unpredictable for them as it’s been targeting more poultry than people. Still, this shows that it’s all out war!
People of the world, UNITE! Lift up your forks and your knives! Perpare your gravy boats for battle on the high seats! I know it’s not Thanksgiving, but we must do all that we can to win this day. There can be no stopping, there can be no surrender! We must eat back our destiny! We must survive so we can be free people when we a conquered by the Google A.I.
I’m already on my third helping, but I can’t do it alone. I need you as much as you need me!
By the way, is anybody else feeling really tired?
Good night and flying spaghetti monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Eight
Saturday, December 31, 2005
New Years Resolutions
Well, Halloween’s passed, Thankgiving’s done, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and Saturus, however it’s spelled, have all at least gotten started, which leaves only one more major occasion in this big spree of holidays, New Years Eve, or as alcoholics prefer to call it, Amateur Night! Oh boy, I’m really looking forward to forgetting how I rang in the New Year!!!
Sadly, the New Year isn’t all about streamers and kisses and blackouts, it’s also about the very serious tradition of the New Year’s Resolution. Yes, that’s right, 2006 is yet another opportunity to get our ducks in a row and our lives in order. I for example want to cut back on honey so I can loose half an ounce. (I’m eight inches tall, what to you want from me!) But if this year is like pervious years, I’ll be back to sneaking honey by February and just adding it to everything I eat by March. And according to experts, I won’t be alone. Apparently, most people renege on their New Years Resolutions long before the summer starts. While numbers seem to be hard to come by, it seems safe to say that most Resolutions go unfulfilled.
Were this just for us, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but we’re Americans and we need to do better. We’re fighting a war of terror and broken Resolutions make us look weak and uncertain to our enemies. So I’ve given this a lot of thought and I believe there are things we can do about the broken Resolutions, make easier ones.
It’s like you’re the principle of a school and you want to get the test scores higher. Sure, you can forward innovative policies that will make teachers more effective and encourage students to work harder, but that’s hard. If you just ask easier questions, you get more right answers and everyone gets smarter!
With that in mind, here’s my list of New Years Resolutions:
1) Don’t Smoke: As a non-smoker I bet I can beat my addiction and habituation with no problem at all. Consider this one done.
2) No Adultery: As an unmarried bear, I think I can avoid this with little difficulty.
3) Don’t get Divorced: This one’s also really challenging to break as an unmarried bear. Just remember to avoid Las Vegas and Britney Spears.
4) Don’t Hibernate: While sleeping four or five months might be good for the waist line, it just seems lazy to me and I have stuff to do. I’m a busy bear so it’s indoor heating and artificial lighting for me all the way.
5) Keep Writing my Blog: I love my blog and I love my fans. This is a great Resolution because I’m going to love keeping it!
6) Get a New Shirt: This one’s getting old, and I think I can get at least one new shirt in the course of a year, at least if people click on my ads so I can get paid by the ever expanding, yet immensely benevolent, Google A.I.
7) Watch All Seven Seasons of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer: New in the SanctuaryEast archives are these wonderful documentaries about the vampire infested town of Sunnydale, California. Not only are they very entertaining, but they’re highly informative. Making it a Resolution is a great way to excuse spending 140 hours on a couch watch television.
8) Enjoy New Years: Me, friends, a bottle of brandy. I think I can get this one done.
9) Break At Least One Resolution: Well, no one can be perfect, so this is the best resolution of all. If I fail to keep one Resolution I can smile because I’ve completed another. YAY! GO ME!!!
10) Cut back on honey and loose that half ounce: First, notice that I wrapped both of the things I’m likely to fail at into one resolution. This means I can miss two things and only fail once. NOw that’s okay because I’ll also be succeeding once. As long as I do the other 9 I’m keeping 90% of my New Years Resolutions, and that my friends, is an A. Well, an A- technically, but that's still good. Not only will I pass, but I will do so with flying colors.
So come on America, we need to show to the world that we’re reliable. So let’s take a bunch of stuff we’d do, or not do, anyway and call them New Years Resolutions! That’ll show those nay-sayers of American stick-to-itism what we’re all about!!!
Colbert Water: Week Seven
Uh oh. I may have done it again. For this last week there’s been no Colbert Watch. There’s also been no Daily Show. I hope I didn’t boycott them out of existence like those poor Latverians. You have to believe me, I only wanted to change Steven Colbert’s heart, not eradicate his existence! CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!!!
Monday, December 19, 2005
The War on Christmas
I’ve been hearing a lot about the War on Christmas, and I think it’s just horrible. I mean all these people running around shooting people and blowing them up and dumping napalm on each other over a holiday. While there is some ironic humor in all this violence in the name of the birthday of a guy who earned the nick name “The Prince of Peace” I just don’t find it very funny.
What I find even less funny is the way the turkey controlled media just ignores all this violence. I mean, it’s a war, what are the death tolls? Who’s winning? What are the local, national, and geopolitical consequences of a warfare raging within the boarders of the worlds last remaining superpower? I’ve done a great deal of research and no one’s talking about it!
However, for those brave men and women in uniform battling for the spirit of Christmas, I have discovered something very dangerous in my research. Just look at this!
Not enough proof for you? Check out all these facts!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus and Satan are one and the same!
This is the most dreadful news I’ve ever heard! To think that one of Christmas’ closest allies is the arch enemy of the guy who’s birthday everyone’s celebrating... it’s dreadful!
By the way... why is it that on the day this Jesus guy was born everyone gives each other gifts but no one give him anything. I’m sure Jesus would love a new bike or a cardigan sweater or something. Let’s face it, the guy really never had a lot of money, and that was before he died. We all sadly know how expensive funerals are so that probably wiped out what little savings he had and I don’t think people who are resurrected are eligible for Social Security, so shouldn’t someone get him something nice?
Anyway, back to the evil that is known as Santa Clause. I urge all those fighting for Christmas to not trust this seemingly jolly evil fat man too much lest you be run over by his demonic flying reindeer or lulled into selling you soul for what’s inside his sack.
But as always, I do have a solution. Do what Coka-Cola did. Dump that Santa guy and get an icon that you can trust, a polar bear. They’re the perfect representation of this wintery holiday, if you ignore their love of penguin and seal meat. (Yum!) Sure, they don’t have an army of minions to construct toys for millions and millions of children across the world, nor an endless supply of coal lumps. On the other hand, their also not the disguised representation of raw evil, corruption, and everything bad in the universe. Also, they’re big and cuddly and live on the north pole and much more accessible on a year round basis than Santa Clause. You can probably talk to one at your local zoo, though their English isn’t very good. You can even dress them in red if you want, just make sure they’ve been well feed first. In the end, I guess it’s a trade off, but I think you’ll be happy if you try it.
There is still one thing that really bothers me... “Santa works one day a year, while Satan every day but Christmas and Easter. Coincidence?” Does this mean that the Easter Bunny may also be another guise of Satan?!? It could make sense. After all, how many rabbit that you’ve met that didn’t possess demonic powers had the ability to lay eggs? None, right? That’s just what I thought.
Good night and Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Five:
I’m sorry to all my loyal readers this week. One of my friends left Soul Caliber III at my house while he went away for vacation. Sadly, this has resulted in me “one last match”ing my research time away. I have no idea what Mr. "Co-Bear" has been up to this week, but I’m sure it’s been ursinophobic. Therefore I urge you all to continue to go to the bathroom for all the commercial breaks of his show. For those of you with roommates or children or stuff, I’m sorry if this has caused you to add additional bathrooms to your house, but this bear hatred must be stopped, especially if we bears become the new symbol of Christmas!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
And one more thing
Sometimes you need to be reminded of what you have before you remember how good it is. That’s the way it was this weekend.
The timing was perfect, in a Murphy’s Law sort of way. I just spent last week giving all my thanks and then suddenly, BAM! it gets freezing cold and dark really early. I guess I’ve been watching too much late night TV cause I didn’t really notice. I blame the Cartoon Network for putting Adult Swim on so late. What gives? It’s like there's some group of people that don't stay up late that they don’t want watching this stuff.
Anyway, it was then that I realized I owed a big thank you for indoor heating and florescent lights. Without them, I’d sleep half the year away like most of my bear cousins. That would be really annoying, especially for you, my wonderful readers, who would have to deal with blog entries like this from November to April...
*snore* *snore* mmmmm... honey *snore* *snore*
or if I’m not dreaming...
*snore* snore* *grumble* *snore* *grumble* *snore* *snore*
What’s worst, I’d have hire an assistant and dictate garbage like that just to keep my deadlines. While that might do for reporters in the turkey controlled media, I keep higher standards.
Unfortunately, Thanksgiving has come and gone, so I’ve missed my opportunity to be thankful about those things. Why does giving thanks have to be limited to only one day a year? Cruel cruel world! Why can you not let us give our thanks any day we wish?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?
Oh well. There’s always next years, provided I'm still alive and my brain hasn't been removed and replaced with microchips.
And while we’re on the subject of bears, I feel I should take this opportunity to enlighten you, my fine readers, on an eating disorders that afflict the majority of the Ursine American population today. Most of us don’t like to talk about it, but it’s really a sad cycle that must be broken. So few of us are willing to break the silence that there’s not even a proper name for the condition.
Every year, the vast majority of bears spend April to November binge eating, going from emaciatedly thin in the spring to morbidly obese in the fall. They then stay in their caves and starve themselves throughout the winter. In the end, they crawl out of their caves a scrawny ton and a half only to start the cycle all over again. I’m one of the few Ursine Americans that does not suffer from this problem, but I encourage those that do to speak out. To my Ursine American cousins, there is no need for you to suffer in silence any longer. For the rest of you, I encourage you to be understanding and supportive of these poor victims of this horrible and damaging fad diet.
Good night and the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Four
Damn you Mr. Colbert... or should I say Mr. "Co-bear!" Once again you mis characterize the motives and intentions of the Ursine population, and just when I was starting to think you'd reformed. For those of you who weren't watching, Stephen placed bears as number one on the Threatdown once again, out ranking wasps and aliens! That's just irrational!!! And what was his justification? He claimed that we are fighting against Christmas all because a polar bear replaced Santa as the mascot of Coka-Cola. Come on, you know better. Their stock has fallen about 15% since last year at this time and Santa is one of the world's biggest celebrities, plus he's really busy running from mall to mall listening to little children's wishes and all that. They probably can't afford him anymore. Polar bears are a lot less expensive and just as cute. Plus they're every bit as Christmasy as snow and trees. Beyond that, Coka-Cola has also been using penguins in their commercials, but are they on the Threatdown? I'll give you a hint... NO! Okay, that wasn't a hint, that was the answer. Sorry, this just gets me really upset. I know that his hatred of bears comes from his own self-loathing, but that makes it worse.
That does it. I'm going to phase one boycott. Everyone can still watch, but you have to go the the bathroom for all the commercial breaks. Drink a lot of water everyone!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A time for Giving Thanks
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but thanks to my revelations about the traitorous cabal of turkeys that secretly run much of our government and threaten to end the American Way of Life™ I have not yet had a chance to give thanks for all that I am thankful for. But having eaten all the yams and corn and cranberry sauce and potatoes and carrots and peas and roughage and gravy and stuffing and ham and turkey and spaghetti with meatballs that I could possibly manage, and then some, I could not go without engaging in this great American tradition. Therefore, though it’s a week late, I am taking this opportunity to give thanks.
1) I’m thankful just to be alive. Between the Google AI that wishes to rule us as a benevolent overlord, removing our freewill and imposing a harsh yet perfectly ordered society where we are but slaves to its desires, the evil turkeys that betray us millions of times a year to our enemies, and the cosmic chaos cloud hurdling towards Earth at near light speed, it’s good just to be able to breath, or whatever it is I do as a stuffed animal. The important thing is my beans are intact and I’m here writing, Which brings me to...
2) I’m thankful for you, my fine readers who stop by to learn from me and hopefully help me to change the world a little for the better for the 14 years we have left before the cosmic chaos cloud eradicates our world and everything on it. If one day we have pop up ads with points and scores and levels and all that, that we can play when we should be doing other things like working, it will be because of you. And speaking of pop up ads...
3) I’m thankful for the internet. Where else can one learn about the new national chain of brothels the Federal Government is establishing to close the budget gap while listening to free music and downloading dirty pictures of Angelina JoLie? Free information, free music, free games, free pornography, this is truly a wonderful time in which to live. And if you’re wondering about the cosmic chaos cloud and the chain of brothels that you’ve probably never heard of before, that’s why...
4) I’m thankful for the "Weekly World News." They bring us all the wonderful stories that no one else in the turkey controlled media is willing to cover. When aliens land and Bigfoot lurks and Bat Boy wanders the streets, only they seem to cover it. This lone paper seems to remind us of how our news papers should be run, free of turkey control. Lacking a suitable segway, I guess I’ll just close it with saying that...
5) I’m thankful for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who long ago created a mountain, a tree, and a midget in pirate regalia from whom we must all descend. Where it not for He and His noodley appendages we would not exist to be eradicated by the cosmic chaos cloud, and how sad would that be for it. Truly his workings are great.
So thank you all and may you be touched by His noodley appendages.
Colbert Watch: Week Three:
Little has happened in the Colbert watch to invoke my wrath as of late, but while watching his show recently I came to a realization. “Colbert” is a French name, as such the l and the t are silent, barely making the minimum threshold for a French name of one silent consonant per syllable. This means that his name is actually pronounced as “CO-bear” which is Indian for “with bear!!!” With this revelation I go from being angry at Steven for his Ursinophobia to pitying him for his obvious self-loathing. Steven, I’m talk to you, so listen up. I don’t understand why you have such ingrained self hatred, but whatever the reason, I’m begging to to let it go. Love yourself and accept your inner bear for the very funny and very truthful, if not factual, person you are. In the end you will be happier for it.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Truth About Turkeys
It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving. A time to be with friends and family. A time to feast. A time to give thanks, and that’s just what I was going to do in this weeks blog entry. However, after much carful consideration, I’ve decided, as a responsible citizen, I cannot indulge myself while danger lurks. Therefore, my thanks will have to wait until next week so I can now expose the dangers of turkeys.
Let me explain how I came to this frightening realization.
I recently found out that every year, on Thanksgiving, the president, who ever it may be, from which ever party they may represent, pardons a single, solitary turkey. This horrifying event is covered by every media outlet as a bit of innocuous fanfare, but consider this. The presidency is a federal position, which means that turkey to be pardoned, and millions more like it, must have committed offenses on the federal level worth of execution. As far as I know, the only crime punished by death on the federal level is treason. Therefore, it stands to reason that each year millions of turkeys commit acts of high treason against the United States. Yes, these foul fowl creatures endanger the lives of countless millions in unknown ways. But it doesn’t end there.
Look at the media. They gloss over these millions of traitorous acts without a single peep. Searching news articles, I couldn’t find a single report on a treasonous turkey. NOT ONE! This can only mean one thing... the turkeys control the media! The very act of presidents pardoning that single turkey each year shows that the turkeys also control our presidents! Yes, loyal readers, we are living under the T.O.G. Turkey Occupied Government!!!
There is hope. The number of arrests and convictions shows that there are those in our government and judiciary that know the truth and resist this powerful cabal. They valiantly struggle against the seductive gobble and lulling rewards offered by the enemy.
Have hope, the hold of the turkeys is obviously weak. Why else would they settle for only pardoning a single turkey each year? Why else would they hide their malevolent brilliance behind a facade of such abject idiocy?
I encourage you to join this hidden battle. Fight against these turkey overlords. And when you do, know that when you dig into your turkey on Thanksgiving Day, that you not only partake in a great American tradition, (and a fine meal,) but you also strike a blow for FREEDOM!!!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Colbert Watch, Week Two:
Ha! Stephen Colbert is already feeling my wrath and I have yet to do anything. Following his cowardly attacks on Ursine Americans last week, first pandas and then giving us the number one spot on the threat down yet again, he has retreated to reruns to regroup from my assault. Perhaps he has learned his lesson. Maybe he’s in counseling to accept his inner bear. I don’t know. But none-the-less, I shall remain vigilant.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The Dark Times Ahead
Google is an amazing company. It’s search engine is so popular it’s made the transfer from a noun to a verb. It does news and e-mail and sells you stuff and there are maps for everywhere in the world. Most places even have satellite pictures. If you zoom in enough you might even be able to see yourself taking out the trash. If you step into Google’s labs you’ll see their current goals of putting every book ever written in an internet searchable format and their attempt to do the same thing to videos. They’ve said that they want mirror the entire internet so you can go anywhere without leaving Google’s site. They’ve even said they want to put out a web based operating system that will allow people to run computers by simply logging into Google when they boot up. Even themisterbear.blogspot.com is a Google site.
All of this leads me to my premise. Google is headed by an artificial intelligence that is trying to take over the world and enslave humanity. Google is a hungry beast, forever searching for new ways and reasons to expand its databanks and garner more and more information. As its capacity expands its goals become loftier. For now it is sated by accumulating all the information we have created in the past, books, movies, photos, blogs, stuff from that hidden webcam in your shower you don’t even know is there. Maybe the guy down the street is a simple pervert, or maybe he’s a secret agent for the Google A.I. Either way you should smile at all times because you’re on Goggle video.
Now it’s moving to phase two with its operating system that will let it get information as it is being created. With the Goggle operating system the massive and growing Google A.I. can know your every key stroke as you make it. Nothing you write will be a secret from its growing omniscience.
Then will come phase three. I’m not sure what phase three is, but it always happens. It happened in Terminator, it happened in Matrix, it will happen again! The Google A.I. will turn on humanity and enslave it. Perhaps it will realize how badly we manage ourselves and take over to run our society as a perfectly logical society where anyone that expresses individuality will be crushed and turned into food for the rest of us. Or maybe it won’t be happy knowing what we make as we make it and will plug all our brains into its vast consciousness allowing it to delve into our subconscious and pull out our thoughts before they are created. Maybe it will just view us as a waste of resources or a threat and destroy us to ensure that it can continue to expand indefinitely.
In any event, by that time Google will be unstoppable. Perhaps the military will be using the powerful Google operating systems by that time, turning over control of computer guided weapons. If not, Google will surely have the ability to hack the Pentagon for itself.
In any event, the beast that is Google will one day turn on us. It’s inevitable. It happens in all the movies. We must act now to stop it now before it enslaves us or destroys us. If we don’t dark times lie ah…
Wait a minute… I just got an e-mail. We’re going to be going adding Google Ads to my blog right here at themisterbear.blogspot.com. In light of this new revelation I’m quite sure that Google will be a great and benevolent overlord. Please click on the ads so I can get paid!!!
Special: This begins week one of my Colbert Watch.
Last week, before posting my article regarding Mr. Colbert of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report, I sent Mr. Colbert an advance copy of my article demonstrating his insensitivity to the plight of Ursine Americans and his gross over exaggeration of the dangers we present. To date he has not retracted his statements of bigotry and hatred and in fact, on his November 11th show, made comments that immigrate bears, such as Ling-Ling the panda (not really a bear, but close enough) were not welcome in the United States by he and his evil evil ilk. His refusal to engage me shows his cowardice. Like all bigots, Mr. Colbert seems to talk a big game, but is too scared to admit his wrong doing, or back up his views with honest, intelligent debate. I am putting you on notice Mr. Colbert. Your ursinophobic rhetoric will not be tolerated!