As we make our way toward the end of October, I felt it appropriate to share with the general public some safety tips for your Halloween costumes. Here are the most essential elements:
We're not talking just any fangs, the fangs you choose should be good strong fangs that you can epoxy to your eye teeth. You want them sturdy enough to not be affected by the crunch of peanuts or the pull of caramel. Basically, they should still be wedged in place when you chow down on turkey at the Thanksgiving table. One other thing. To serve their purpose, they must be magnetic. The reason for the fangs is to attract any razor blades in any fruit or candy you eat. When you bite into a booby-trapped apple, for instance, the metal razor blade will attach itself to the magnet you have cleverly located in your mouth.
2. A soft catcher's mitt
It never fails, egg sales spike September so mischievous children can have rotten eggs for the end of October. With a good mitt and some practice, it is possible to catch these flying chicken bombs in midair without breaking them. You can then dispose of them in a near by trash receptacle, throw them back at the children, or do what I do, sneak up on them, shove the egg down their oversize jeans and jump on it to break it.
3. A tennis racket
Given the vast quantities of M80s that are sold around the Fourth of July there's little wonder that some are left over on October 31st for malicious children to throw at passers-by. While hot potato can be a fun game, you don't want an eighth of a stick of dynamite in your possession any longer than absolutely necessity. Practice your backhand and keep your eye out. When you see one of these tiny sticks of death and destruction flying your way, knock it back. With practice the tennis racket can be used to add some oomph to your egg volleys as well. This takes great care however as there's a fine line between a flying stink bomb and a racket full of rotten egg.
It's a little known fact that a good can of shaving cream or silly string under optimal temperature and pressure can project its contents at 300 mile per hour to a range of over 150 yards. While shaving cream and silly string are too soft to cause internal bleeding or broken bones, they can blind. An umbrella would be an ideal defense, but sadly your hands will be occupied by the catcher's mitt and the tennis racket, so goggles are your best bet.
5. Look dead
Remember, on Halloween, children aren't the only things you have to worry about. On this night the dead can walk around and feast on the flesh of the living. Fool them by making them think you're one of them. I prefer the simple white sheet. This not only fools ghouls into thinking you're a ghost (they're not too bright), but it also camouflages the shaving cream you're not equipped to defend against.
6. A honking big cross
While the ghost costume will keep away the average, run of the mill, flesh eating undead, vampires tend to be too smart for that. A cross will keep them at bay. You want it to be big, as many of them are old and thus have poor eyesight.
Crosses and ghost costumes obviously won't help you against rabid werewolves, but necklaces of wolfsbane will. Add a dash of garlic if your still worried about vampires, though some might call this overkill.
8. Glow sticks
You don't want to trip or get hit by a car do you? They do come in nice bracelet styles that don't bother your already encumbered hands.
Taking all this into account, I find the safest costume to be: The ghost love child of Wade Boggs and Martina Navratilova who died while swimming to a goth rave due to being dragged under by a forty-two pound crucifix. Perhaps not the easiest costume to guess, but at least you'll be safe.
Oh, don't forget to attach a collection plate to the cross for all that candy!
Well, that's my input this year. Everyone have yourself a safe and happy Halloween.
This morning I found in my inbox one of those inspirational e-mails forwarded to me by one of my friends that shall remain anonymous. It was written with marginal skill for what seemed to be minimal impact. Sorting through the forty-some-odd indents I found it a warm mushy bit centered on the definition of a good friend. When I got to the bottom I found the author had left something essential off this list, friends don’t forward friends these horrible e-mails.
There I was, staring at a horrible proposition, forward this e-mail to 20 friends or have something tragic happen. The e-mail explained that Janice Drayton of Westbury, New Jersey failed to forward the e-mail and BAM! her daughter was squashed by a falling crane. In case I was unconvinced, the e-mail continued: William Hartford of Roseburg, Oregon failed to forward this e-mail and he was castrated in a freak wood chipper accident. Oh, the e-mail called it an accident, but the truth was clear, this electronic greeting had great and terrible power. But the warnings weren’t done. Patricia Borson of Milwaukee, Wisconsin only forwarded this e-mail to 19 people. Two days later at Thanksgiving diner her uncle pulled out a Lugar auto-pistol, sprayed the whole family with three clips killing all of them and ending with a final bullet in his own head. The police never found a motive, but we all know that the e-mail was not satisfied by her sacrifice of a mere 19 names. OH, THE HORROR!!!!
Why do people do this to each other?!? Don’t they understand?!? Imagine forwarding one of these messages to one of your friends. That friend reads the e-mail but accidentally deletes it prior to forwarding it. Six hours later he’s lying in a coma after a tractor-trailer crashs through his front door, just like what happened to poor Samuel Hershington of Broslow, North Carolina.
So who are these voodoo masters that produce these powerful and deadly e-mails? Why do they value the content of the e-mails that have all the charm of a trip to the free clinic and all the substance of a Hallmark greeting card? It’s impossible to know. What is certain is that they are a menace and must be stopped! They put the lives of millions at risk!
On the other side, these e-mails offer great reward to those that comply with the wishes of their dark masters. Love, money, increased penis size are all to be had. How can one resist the potential rewards! Oh those crafty voodoo e-mail priests, is there no way to stop them.
Fortunately, I have done a great deal of research and I think I have found a cure. It was hidden in the lyrics of an old LP. In the words of a powerful witchdoctor “Ooh, ee, ooh, ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang, ooh, ee, ooh, ah ah, ting ting, walla walla bing bang.” I have followed the witchdoctor’s advice I’ve deleted the e-mail without forwarding it. It’s been 2 hours and nothing horrendous has happened thus far. I share this secret with you that it may be spread throughout the world and together we can end this plague and waste of bandwidth.
From now on, when we wish to show our friends we are thinking about them, we can simply write them an e-mail that just says, “Hi, how are you doing?”
[Please forward this blog entry to everyone in your address book in the next 12 seconds. If you do, something good will happen to you. If you do not, the medical community will likely name a condition after you. Fredrick Thornsby of Middlebury, Vermont did and he woke up the next morning with a 12” erection. Susan Cunningham of Ballarat, California didn’t she had the same thing happen to her.]
No, I’m not talking about the advertisements for EverCrack II or the new ones for D&D Those are ignorable, even if of annoyingly poor quality. I’m talking about ads with the frog begging you to catch a fly to win a new I-pod. The thing that gets me about them isn’t the fact you need to click through seven hundred thirty eight different web pages and sign up or scores of services you don’t want and will never use to qualify. It’s not the fact that they’re probably rip offs and you’ll never see your new I-pod. It’s not the fact that they’ll probably steal your credit card information and use it to sign up for a mail order bride with a side of kiddie porn. All of that is boring, buyer beware type stuff.
The fact is, if I click on an ad anywhere on the internet I expect to be flooded with pop-ups (thank you google for your pop-up blocker), redirected to a porn site, have my credit card information stolen, catch so many viruses that the third horseman of the apocalypse (Plague) is scared to touch the keyboard for fear he’ll catch something he doesn’t already have, get kicked to the curb, broken and penniless, robbed of hopes and dreams in a southeast Asia country having married a twelve year old girl from Venezuela who’s now a US citizen while I can’t return home due to the warrants for my arrest from the FBI. I understand this. I’m fine with this. These are the risks of an open and unregulated media and I’d rather have them then be AOhelLed into a nice clean padded room where some corporate authority pretends to be my mommy bear and daddy bear keeping me safe by deciding where I can and can’t go. If I want to eat hot porridge, I'll eat hot porridge. If my tongue gets burned, I can handle that.Anyway, the thing that gets me is that some of these ads look kinda fun, at least when you’re tired and bored. Damn it, I don’t want a new I-pod… I just wanna help the frog catch the flies with his tongue. I want to go to level two. Maybe I want a timer. Can I catch 20 flies in under a minute? I’ll never know because you can’t really play the games and it sucks.So, can I throw the football through the swinging tire? Can I zap the alien spacecraft to save the Earth? Do those legs really belong to Jessica Simpson? Danm it, I WANNA KNOW!!! But these aren’t really games, these are advertisements disguised as games and it sucks.
Oh well, I guess it’s back to minesweeper.