Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A time for Giving Thanks
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but thanks to my revelations about the traitorous cabal of turkeys that secretly run much of our government and threaten to end the American Way of Life™ I have not yet had a chance to give thanks for all that I am thankful for. But having eaten all the yams and corn and cranberry sauce and potatoes and carrots and peas and roughage and gravy and stuffing and ham and turkey and spaghetti with meatballs that I could possibly manage, and then some, I could not go without engaging in this great American tradition. Therefore, though it’s a week late, I am taking this opportunity to give thanks.
1) I’m thankful just to be alive. Between the Google AI that wishes to rule us as a benevolent overlord, removing our freewill and imposing a harsh yet perfectly ordered society where we are but slaves to its desires, the evil turkeys that betray us millions of times a year to our enemies, and the cosmic chaos cloud hurdling towards Earth at near light speed, it’s good just to be able to breath, or whatever it is I do as a stuffed animal. The important thing is my beans are intact and I’m here writing, Which brings me to...
2) I’m thankful for you, my fine readers who stop by to learn from me and hopefully help me to change the world a little for the better for the 14 years we have left before the cosmic chaos cloud eradicates our world and everything on it. If one day we have pop up ads with points and scores and levels and all that, that we can play when we should be doing other things like working, it will be because of you. And speaking of pop up ads...
3) I’m thankful for the internet. Where else can one learn about the new national chain of brothels the Federal Government is establishing to close the budget gap while listening to free music and downloading dirty pictures of Angelina JoLie? Free information, free music, free games, free pornography, this is truly a wonderful time in which to live. And if you’re wondering about the cosmic chaos cloud and the chain of brothels that you’ve probably never heard of before, that’s why...
4) I’m thankful for the "Weekly World News." They bring us all the wonderful stories that no one else in the turkey controlled media is willing to cover. When aliens land and Bigfoot lurks and Bat Boy wanders the streets, only they seem to cover it. This lone paper seems to remind us of how our news papers should be run, free of turkey control. Lacking a suitable segway, I guess I’ll just close it with saying that...
5) I’m thankful for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who long ago created a mountain, a tree, and a midget in pirate regalia from whom we must all descend. Where it not for He and His noodley appendages we would not exist to be eradicated by the cosmic chaos cloud, and how sad would that be for it. Truly his workings are great.
So thank you all and may you be touched by His noodley appendages.
Colbert Watch: Week Three:
Little has happened in the Colbert watch to invoke my wrath as of late, but while watching his show recently I came to a realization. “Colbert” is a French name, as such the l and the t are silent, barely making the minimum threshold for a French name of one silent consonant per syllable. This means that his name is actually pronounced as “CO-bear” which is Indian for “with bear!!!” With this revelation I go from being angry at Steven for his Ursinophobia to pitying him for his obvious self-loathing. Steven, I’m talk to you, so listen up. I don’t understand why you have such ingrained self hatred, but whatever the reason, I’m begging to to let it go. Love yourself and accept your inner bear for the very funny and very truthful, if not factual, person you are. In the end you will be happier for it.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Truth About Turkeys
It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving. A time to be with friends and family. A time to feast. A time to give thanks, and that’s just what I was going to do in this weeks blog entry. However, after much carful consideration, I’ve decided, as a responsible citizen, I cannot indulge myself while danger lurks. Therefore, my thanks will have to wait until next week so I can now expose the dangers of turkeys.
Let me explain how I came to this frightening realization.
I recently found out that every year, on Thanksgiving, the president, who ever it may be, from which ever party they may represent, pardons a single, solitary turkey. This horrifying event is covered by every media outlet as a bit of innocuous fanfare, but consider this. The presidency is a federal position, which means that turkey to be pardoned, and millions more like it, must have committed offenses on the federal level worth of execution. As far as I know, the only crime punished by death on the federal level is treason. Therefore, it stands to reason that each year millions of turkeys commit acts of high treason against the United States. Yes, these foul fowl creatures endanger the lives of countless millions in unknown ways. But it doesn’t end there.
Look at the media. They gloss over these millions of traitorous acts without a single peep. Searching news articles, I couldn’t find a single report on a treasonous turkey. NOT ONE! This can only mean one thing... the turkeys control the media! The very act of presidents pardoning that single turkey each year shows that the turkeys also control our presidents! Yes, loyal readers, we are living under the T.O.G. Turkey Occupied Government!!!
There is hope. The number of arrests and convictions shows that there are those in our government and judiciary that know the truth and resist this powerful cabal. They valiantly struggle against the seductive gobble and lulling rewards offered by the enemy.
Have hope, the hold of the turkeys is obviously weak. Why else would they settle for only pardoning a single turkey each year? Why else would they hide their malevolent brilliance behind a facade of such abject idiocy?
I encourage you to join this hidden battle. Fight against these turkey overlords. And when you do, know that when you dig into your turkey on Thanksgiving Day, that you not only partake in a great American tradition, (and a fine meal,) but you also strike a blow for FREEDOM!!!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Colbert Watch, Week Two:
Ha! Stephen Colbert is already feeling my wrath and I have yet to do anything. Following his cowardly attacks on Ursine Americans last week, first pandas and then giving us the number one spot on the threat down yet again, he has retreated to reruns to regroup from my assault. Perhaps he has learned his lesson. Maybe he’s in counseling to accept his inner bear. I don’t know. But none-the-less, I shall remain vigilant.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The Dark Times Ahead
Google is an amazing company. It’s search engine is so popular it’s made the transfer from a noun to a verb. It does news and e-mail and sells you stuff and there are maps for everywhere in the world. Most places even have satellite pictures. If you zoom in enough you might even be able to see yourself taking out the trash. If you step into Google’s labs you’ll see their current goals of putting every book ever written in an internet searchable format and their attempt to do the same thing to videos. They’ve said that they want mirror the entire internet so you can go anywhere without leaving Google’s site. They’ve even said they want to put out a web based operating system that will allow people to run computers by simply logging into Google when they boot up. Even themisterbear.blogspot.com is a Google site.
All of this leads me to my premise. Google is headed by an artificial intelligence that is trying to take over the world and enslave humanity. Google is a hungry beast, forever searching for new ways and reasons to expand its databanks and garner more and more information. As its capacity expands its goals become loftier. For now it is sated by accumulating all the information we have created in the past, books, movies, photos, blogs, stuff from that hidden webcam in your shower you don’t even know is there. Maybe the guy down the street is a simple pervert, or maybe he’s a secret agent for the Google A.I. Either way you should smile at all times because you’re on Goggle video.
Now it’s moving to phase two with its operating system that will let it get information as it is being created. With the Goggle operating system the massive and growing Google A.I. can know your every key stroke as you make it. Nothing you write will be a secret from its growing omniscience.
Then will come phase three. I’m not sure what phase three is, but it always happens. It happened in Terminator, it happened in Matrix, it will happen again! The Google A.I. will turn on humanity and enslave it. Perhaps it will realize how badly we manage ourselves and take over to run our society as a perfectly logical society where anyone that expresses individuality will be crushed and turned into food for the rest of us. Or maybe it won’t be happy knowing what we make as we make it and will plug all our brains into its vast consciousness allowing it to delve into our subconscious and pull out our thoughts before they are created. Maybe it will just view us as a waste of resources or a threat and destroy us to ensure that it can continue to expand indefinitely.
In any event, by that time Google will be unstoppable. Perhaps the military will be using the powerful Google operating systems by that time, turning over control of computer guided weapons. If not, Google will surely have the ability to hack the Pentagon for itself.
In any event, the beast that is Google will one day turn on us. It’s inevitable. It happens in all the movies. We must act now to stop it now before it enslaves us or destroys us. If we don’t dark times lie ah…
Wait a minute… I just got an e-mail. We’re going to be going adding Google Ads to my blog right here at themisterbear.blogspot.com. In light of this new revelation I’m quite sure that Google will be a great and benevolent overlord. Please click on the ads so I can get paid!!!
Special: This begins week one of my Colbert Watch.
Last week, before posting my article regarding Mr. Colbert of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report, I sent Mr. Colbert an advance copy of my article demonstrating his insensitivity to the plight of Ursine Americans and his gross over exaggeration of the dangers we present. To date he has not retracted his statements of bigotry and hatred and in fact, on his November 11th show, made comments that immigrate bears, such as Ling-Ling the panda (not really a bear, but close enough) were not welcome in the United States by he and his evil evil ilk. His refusal to engage me shows his cowardice. Like all bigots, Mr. Colbert seems to talk a big game, but is too scared to admit his wrong doing, or back up his views with honest, intelligent debate. I am putting you on notice Mr. Colbert. Your ursinophobic rhetoric will not be tolerated!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Bigotry on late night cable
Just over two weeks ago, Comedy Central began a new show to follow the Daily Show with John Stewart in what I like to call the Time Slot of Death. I’m not certain whether it’s cause or effect, but everything following the Daily Show seems to suffer a slow agonizing demise, starting the day it first airs. The worst thing about these shows is the way they linger. Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn seemed to go on for decades, forcing me to scramble for the power button night after night. The last show, Too Late with Adam Corola should really be named Not Late Enough. Airing this show at four or five in the morning when sleep deprivation really sets in might make the show humorous in the same way that Punky Brewster reruns suddenly become brilliant and inspiring.
The latest show in the time slot actually shows some promise, the Colbert Report. Yes, for the last two and a half weeks, the Colbert Report has successfully chopped an extra half hour off my already lacking sleep. Granted the Report is still finding its rhythm, but I enjoy it because almost everything Steven Colbert speaks in the absolute Truth. I know this because every time I disagree with him, he tells me I'm wrong and he’s right and he’s sitting in a desk shaped like the first letter of his last name. Also, he has incredible gravitas… not to mention balls.
Sadly though, Steven’s opinion on one single subject risks ruining the entire program, his irrational fear of bears. The prime example is the otherwise wonderful Threat Down, which lets me know each week the things I should fear the most. Thanks to Steven Colbert I now know to run at the slightest sign of eight year old girls. But every week, somewhere in the Threat Down, as unbelievable as it is, are bears. This week they were number one! And why?!? Because some guy named after a childhood locomotive conveyance wrote a really weird book in which some girl was raped by a trained bear to make her frigid. Come on Mr. Colbert, this is an obvious piece of fiction.
First, the methodology simply wouldn’t work! We bears are well known as great lovers. Warm and cuddly, we even come with our own fur blankets.
Second, check your source! The guy who wrote this book is currently on trial for lying to people. He has no credibility. How can you possibly trust his accounting of these incidents?
Third, do some research! There’s not a single case anywhere in the history of America or the world where a bear has ever been charged with a single sexual offense, much less been found guilty by a jury of his pears. (BTW, can someone please explain to me why we let oddly shaped ripened ovule, no matter how tasty, pass final judgment on us?)
Unfortunately, Steven Colbert seems to believe what he wants on this subject and characterizes all bears by the actions of the few. He remembers Kodiak and his murderous rages but forgets Smokey and his call for forest safety. He ignorantly claims bears are after picinick baskets, based on the actions of one Yogi. Had he watched the documentaries in full, he’d realize that Yogi was not to be feared, he was to be pitied. The poor guy had a problem, a compulsion to steal those wicker cases of yummy, tasty, irresistibly delectable treats and goodies. Yes, he was stealing on the outside, but he was crying out for help deep within.
Mr. Colbert, sad to say, you are an Ursinophobe and if you persist in forcing your bigoted views on America across late night cable television, I will be forced to call for a boycott of you. I will warn you now that this can be devastating. I called a boycott on the island nation of Latveria following the action of one Dr. Victor Von Doom this Summer. I sent out press releases to papers all across the nations. Despite the fact that not a single newspaper carried the release for fear of the powerful Latverian lobby, I just checked an Atlas and there is no such nation any longer! That’s right… I BOYCOTTED THEM OUT OF EXISTENCE!!! Please don’t make me do this to you Mr. Colbert, I enjoy your otherwise wonderful program and would hate to make you cease to be.
To the good and innocent people of Latveria, I am sorry you no longer exist. Please please please forgive me. I swear in the future to only call boycotts of individuals and never ever ever again against an entire nation or region. I can only beg your forgiveness of me and explain that I had no idea the scope and reach of my power and influence. I am very deeply sorry. You will be remembered.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The pants optional workplace
One of the great things about being an eight inch tall beanie baby™ bear is the fact that public decency laws don’t apply to you. One of the great things about being a free lance writer is that dress codes don’t really apply to you either. Also, Sanctuary East has a single home office and no official dress code, so even if I were an employee chances are I’d still be free to wear what I liked. This is what I call a pants optional work place and I love it.
The fact is, many people, by no stretch all, are simply more intelligent and more creative when they're not wearing pants. Think about it. Have you ever had a brilliant idea come to you in the shower? How about when you’re changing at the gym? Or on a bathroom break? What do all these circumstances have in common? That’s right, you’re not wearing pants! Even if you’ve never had these experiences, I can assure you many have. Having great ideas in the shower is actually common enough to be joked about in commercials now. Eight guys cram into a shower together dressed in suits. One guy asks “Why are we having our meeting in a shower?” Another guy responds “At home I do all my best thinking in the shower.” Of corse, that is a commercial and the scenario wouldn’t really get people to have more ideas, but it speaks to how common ideas come to people in the shower. Now if the eight guys took off their pants and climbed into the shower together we’d have a real think tank going.
As additional evidence for the efficiency of a pants optional society, I point to the clothing optional beach. There is a notable increase in the percent tanning that occures. Most individuals go from having a tan on 90% of their body to a tan on 100% of their body. That’s a 10% increase in productivity!
The problem with pants optional work places is that people are so used to seeing each other with clothes on, seeing people without clothes conjures sexual connotations. Trust me, this is not always the case. I never wear pants and I rarely do so because I have sexual intent.
The fact is that features that are concealed become associated this sex when they are seen. Take as an example the ankle in Victorian England. Many is the Englishman who “popped a tent” after getting a peek at a young lady’s talus. Ultimately, the ankle became marginallized as a sexual characteristic as ankle view became more and more common. So it can be with pants.
There would, however, be a cost associated with the acclimation to a pants optional work place. There is little question in my mind that for the first several years there would be a notable decrease in productivity in most offices. People would be more distractable and less comfortable due to their associations of a lack of pants with sexual activity. While there would, undoubtedly, be a boom in the Brazilian waxing and hair styling industries, many others would suffer. While the end result would be a more creative and productive work force, we may have to wait until people are more comfortable with themselves and their bodies. I do hope that someday the time will come when people will throw off their pants and release themselves from the constraints of their imaginations. Until then, I will revel in being an eight inch tall beanie baby™ bear.