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The world though the eyes of a blogging beanie baby (TM) bear.

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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

A time for Giving Thanks

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but thanks to my revelations about the traitorous cabal of turkeys that secretly run much of our government and threaten to end the American Way of Life™ I have not yet had a chance to give thanks for all that I am thankful for. But having eaten all the yams and corn and cranberry sauce and potatoes and carrots and peas and roughage and gravy and stuffing and ham and turkey and spaghetti with meatballs that I could possibly manage, and then some, I could not go without engaging in this great American tradition. Therefore, though it’s a week late, I am taking this opportunity to give thanks.

1) I’m thankful just to be alive. Between the Google AI that wishes to rule us as a benevolent overlord, removing our freewill and imposing a harsh yet perfectly ordered society where we are but slaves to its desires, the evil turkeys that betray us millions of times a year to our enemies, and the cosmic chaos cloud hurdling towards Earth at near light speed, it’s good just to be able to breath, or whatever it is I do as a stuffed animal. The important thing is my beans are intact and I’m here writing, Which brings me to...

2) I’m thankful for you, my fine readers who stop by to learn from me and hopefully help me to change the world a little for the better for the 14 years we have left before the cosmic chaos cloud eradicates our world and everything on it. If one day we have pop up ads with points and scores and levels and all that, that we can play when we should be doing other things like working, it will be because of you. And speaking of pop up ads...

3) I’m thankful for the internet. Where else can one learn about the new national chain of brothels the Federal Government is establishing to close the budget gap while listening to free music and downloading dirty pictures of Angelina JoLie? Free information, free music, free games, free pornography, this is truly a wonderful time in which to live. And if you’re wondering about the cosmic chaos cloud and the chain of brothels that you’ve probably never heard of before, that’s why...

4) I’m thankful for the "Weekly World News." They bring us all the wonderful stories that no one else in the turkey controlled media is willing to cover. When aliens land and Bigfoot lurks and Bat Boy wanders the streets, only they seem to cover it. This lone paper seems to remind us of how our news papers should be run, free of turkey control. Lacking a suitable segway, I guess I’ll just close it with saying that...

5) I’m thankful for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who long ago created a mountain, a tree, and a midget in pirate regalia from whom we must all descend. Where it not for He and His noodley appendages we would not exist to be eradicated by the cosmic chaos cloud, and how sad would that be for it. Truly his workings are great.

So thank you all and may you be touched by His noodley appendages.

Ramen!

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Colbert Watch: Week Three:

Little has happened in the Colbert watch to invoke my wrath as of late, but while watching his show recently I came to a realization. “Colbert” is a French name, as such the l and the t are silent, barely making the minimum threshold for a French name of one silent consonant per syllable. This means that his name is actually pronounced as “CO-bear” which is Indian for “with bear!!!” With this revelation I go from being angry at Steven for his Ursinophobia to pitying him for his obvious self-loathing. Steven, I’m talk to you, so listen up. I don’t understand why you have such ingrained self hatred, but whatever the reason, I’m begging to to let it go. Love yourself and accept your inner bear for the very funny and very truthful, if not factual, person you are. In the end you will be happier for it.

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