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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Truth About Turkeys

It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving. A time to be with friends and family. A time to feast. A time to give thanks, and that’s just what I was going to do in this weeks blog entry. However, after much carful consideration, I’ve decided, as a responsible citizen, I cannot indulge myself while danger lurks. Therefore, my thanks will have to wait until next week so I can now expose the dangers of turkeys.
Let me explain how I came to this frightening realization.

I recently found out that every year, on Thanksgiving, the president, who ever it may be, from which ever party they may represent, pardons a single, solitary turkey. This horrifying event is covered by every media outlet as a bit of innocuous fanfare, but consider this. The presidency is a federal position, which means that turkey to be pardoned, and millions more like it, must have committed offenses on the federal level worth of execution. As far as I know, the only crime punished by death on the federal level is treason. Therefore, it stands to reason that each year millions of turkeys commit acts of high treason against the United States. Yes, these foul fowl creatures endanger the lives of countless millions in unknown ways. But it doesn’t end there.

Look at the media. They gloss over these millions of traitorous acts without a single peep. Searching news articles, I couldn’t find a single report on a treasonous turkey. NOT ONE! This can only mean one thing... the turkeys control the media! The very act of presidents pardoning that single turkey each year shows that the turkeys also control our presidents! Yes, loyal readers, we are living under the T.O.G. Turkey Occupied Government!!!

There is hope. The number of arrests and convictions shows that there are those in our government and judiciary that know the truth and resist this powerful cabal. They valiantly struggle against the seductive gobble and lulling rewards offered by the enemy.

Have hope, the hold of the turkeys is obviously weak. Why else would they settle for only pardoning a single turkey each year? Why else would they hide their malevolent brilliance behind a facade of such abject idiocy?
I encourage you to join this hidden battle. Fight against these turkey overlords. And when you do, know that when you dig into your turkey on Thanksgiving Day, that you not only partake in a great American tradition, (and a fine meal,) but you also strike a blow for FREEDOM!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!


Colbert Watch, Week Two:

Ha! Stephen Colbert is already feeling my wrath and I have yet to do anything. Following his cowardly attacks on Ursine Americans last week, first pandas and then giving us the number one spot on the threat down yet again, he has retreated to reruns to regroup from my assault. Perhaps he has learned his lesson. Maybe he’s in counseling to accept his inner bear. I don’t know. But none-the-less, I shall remain vigilant.

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