Saturday, December 31, 2005
New Years Resolutions
Well, Halloween’s passed, Thankgiving’s done, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and Saturus, however it’s spelled, have all at least gotten started, which leaves only one more major occasion in this big spree of holidays, New Years Eve, or as alcoholics prefer to call it, Amateur Night! Oh boy, I’m really looking forward to forgetting how I rang in the New Year!!!
Sadly, the New Year isn’t all about streamers and kisses and blackouts, it’s also about the very serious tradition of the New Year’s Resolution. Yes, that’s right, 2006 is yet another opportunity to get our ducks in a row and our lives in order. I for example want to cut back on honey so I can loose half an ounce. (I’m eight inches tall, what to you want from me!) But if this year is like pervious years, I’ll be back to sneaking honey by February and just adding it to everything I eat by March. And according to experts, I won’t be alone. Apparently, most people renege on their New Years Resolutions long before the summer starts. While numbers seem to be hard to come by, it seems safe to say that most Resolutions go unfulfilled.
Were this just for us, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but we’re Americans and we need to do better. We’re fighting a war of terror and broken Resolutions make us look weak and uncertain to our enemies. So I’ve given this a lot of thought and I believe there are things we can do about the broken Resolutions, make easier ones.
It’s like you’re the principle of a school and you want to get the test scores higher. Sure, you can forward innovative policies that will make teachers more effective and encourage students to work harder, but that’s hard. If you just ask easier questions, you get more right answers and everyone gets smarter!
With that in mind, here’s my list of New Years Resolutions:
1) Don’t Smoke: As a non-smoker I bet I can beat my addiction and habituation with no problem at all. Consider this one done.
2) No Adultery: As an unmarried bear, I think I can avoid this with little difficulty.
3) Don’t get Divorced: This one’s also really challenging to break as an unmarried bear. Just remember to avoid Las Vegas and Britney Spears.
4) Don’t Hibernate: While sleeping four or five months might be good for the waist line, it just seems lazy to me and I have stuff to do. I’m a busy bear so it’s indoor heating and artificial lighting for me all the way.
5) Keep Writing my Blog: I love my blog and I love my fans. This is a great Resolution because I’m going to love keeping it!
6) Get a New Shirt: This one’s getting old, and I think I can get at least one new shirt in the course of a year, at least if people click on my ads so I can get paid by the ever expanding, yet immensely benevolent, Google A.I.
7) Watch All Seven Seasons of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer: New in the SanctuaryEast archives are these wonderful documentaries about the vampire infested town of Sunnydale, California. Not only are they very entertaining, but they’re highly informative. Making it a Resolution is a great way to excuse spending 140 hours on a couch watch television.
8) Enjoy New Years: Me, friends, a bottle of brandy. I think I can get this one done.
9) Break At Least One Resolution: Well, no one can be perfect, so this is the best resolution of all. If I fail to keep one Resolution I can smile because I’ve completed another. YAY! GO ME!!!
10) Cut back on honey and loose that half ounce: First, notice that I wrapped both of the things I’m likely to fail at into one resolution. This means I can miss two things and only fail once. NOw that’s okay because I’ll also be succeeding once. As long as I do the other 9 I’m keeping 90% of my New Years Resolutions, and that my friends, is an A. Well, an A- technically, but that's still good. Not only will I pass, but I will do so with flying colors.
So come on America, we need to show to the world that we’re reliable. So let’s take a bunch of stuff we’d do, or not do, anyway and call them New Years Resolutions! That’ll show those nay-sayers of American stick-to-itism what we’re all about!!!
Colbert Water: Week Seven
Uh oh. I may have done it again. For this last week there’s been no Colbert Watch. There’s also been no Daily Show. I hope I didn’t boycott them out of existence like those poor Latverians. You have to believe me, I only wanted to change Steven Colbert’s heart, not eradicate his existence! CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!!!
Monday, December 19, 2005
The War on Christmas
I’ve been hearing a lot about the War on Christmas, and I think it’s just horrible. I mean all these people running around shooting people and blowing them up and dumping napalm on each other over a holiday. While there is some ironic humor in all this violence in the name of the birthday of a guy who earned the nick name “The Prince of Peace” I just don’t find it very funny.
What I find even less funny is the way the turkey controlled media just ignores all this violence. I mean, it’s a war, what are the death tolls? Who’s winning? What are the local, national, and geopolitical consequences of a warfare raging within the boarders of the worlds last remaining superpower? I’ve done a great deal of research and no one’s talking about it!
However, for those brave men and women in uniform battling for the spirit of Christmas, I have discovered something very dangerous in my research. Just look at this!
Not enough proof for you? Check out all these facts!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus and Satan are one and the same!
This is the most dreadful news I’ve ever heard! To think that one of Christmas’ closest allies is the arch enemy of the guy who’s birthday everyone’s celebrating... it’s dreadful!
By the way... why is it that on the day this Jesus guy was born everyone gives each other gifts but no one give him anything. I’m sure Jesus would love a new bike or a cardigan sweater or something. Let’s face it, the guy really never had a lot of money, and that was before he died. We all sadly know how expensive funerals are so that probably wiped out what little savings he had and I don’t think people who are resurrected are eligible for Social Security, so shouldn’t someone get him something nice?
Anyway, back to the evil that is known as Santa Clause. I urge all those fighting for Christmas to not trust this seemingly jolly evil fat man too much lest you be run over by his demonic flying reindeer or lulled into selling you soul for what’s inside his sack.
But as always, I do have a solution. Do what Coka-Cola did. Dump that Santa guy and get an icon that you can trust, a polar bear. They’re the perfect representation of this wintery holiday, if you ignore their love of penguin and seal meat. (Yum!) Sure, they don’t have an army of minions to construct toys for millions and millions of children across the world, nor an endless supply of coal lumps. On the other hand, their also not the disguised representation of raw evil, corruption, and everything bad in the universe. Also, they’re big and cuddly and live on the north pole and much more accessible on a year round basis than Santa Clause. You can probably talk to one at your local zoo, though their English isn’t very good. You can even dress them in red if you want, just make sure they’ve been well feed first. In the end, I guess it’s a trade off, but I think you’ll be happy if you try it.
There is still one thing that really bothers me... “Santa works one day a year, while Satan every day but Christmas and Easter. Coincidence?” Does this mean that the Easter Bunny may also be another guise of Satan?!? It could make sense. After all, how many rabbit that you’ve met that didn’t possess demonic powers had the ability to lay eggs? None, right? That’s just what I thought.
Good night and Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Five:
I’m sorry to all my loyal readers this week. One of my friends left Soul Caliber III at my house while he went away for vacation. Sadly, this has resulted in me “one last match”ing my research time away. I have no idea what Mr. "Co-Bear" has been up to this week, but I’m sure it’s been ursinophobic. Therefore I urge you all to continue to go to the bathroom for all the commercial breaks of his show. For those of you with roommates or children or stuff, I’m sorry if this has caused you to add additional bathrooms to your house, but this bear hatred must be stopped, especially if we bears become the new symbol of Christmas!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
And one more thing
Sometimes you need to be reminded of what you have before you remember how good it is. That’s the way it was this weekend.
The timing was perfect, in a Murphy’s Law sort of way. I just spent last week giving all my thanks and then suddenly, BAM! it gets freezing cold and dark really early. I guess I’ve been watching too much late night TV cause I didn’t really notice. I blame the Cartoon Network for putting Adult Swim on so late. What gives? It’s like there's some group of people that don't stay up late that they don’t want watching this stuff.
Anyway, it was then that I realized I owed a big thank you for indoor heating and florescent lights. Without them, I’d sleep half the year away like most of my bear cousins. That would be really annoying, especially for you, my wonderful readers, who would have to deal with blog entries like this from November to April...
*snore* *snore* mmmmm... honey *snore* *snore*
or if I’m not dreaming...
*snore* snore* *grumble* *snore* *grumble* *snore* *snore*
What’s worst, I’d have hire an assistant and dictate garbage like that just to keep my deadlines. While that might do for reporters in the turkey controlled media, I keep higher standards.
Unfortunately, Thanksgiving has come and gone, so I’ve missed my opportunity to be thankful about those things. Why does giving thanks have to be limited to only one day a year? Cruel cruel world! Why can you not let us give our thanks any day we wish?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?
Oh well. There’s always next years, provided I'm still alive and my brain hasn't been removed and replaced with microchips.
And while we’re on the subject of bears, I feel I should take this opportunity to enlighten you, my fine readers, on an eating disorders that afflict the majority of the Ursine American population today. Most of us don’t like to talk about it, but it’s really a sad cycle that must be broken. So few of us are willing to break the silence that there’s not even a proper name for the condition.
Every year, the vast majority of bears spend April to November binge eating, going from emaciatedly thin in the spring to morbidly obese in the fall. They then stay in their caves and starve themselves throughout the winter. In the end, they crawl out of their caves a scrawny ton and a half only to start the cycle all over again. I’m one of the few Ursine Americans that does not suffer from this problem, but I encourage those that do to speak out. To my Ursine American cousins, there is no need for you to suffer in silence any longer. For the rest of you, I encourage you to be understanding and supportive of these poor victims of this horrible and damaging fad diet.
Good night and the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Four
Damn you Mr. Colbert... or should I say Mr. "Co-bear!" Once again you mis characterize the motives and intentions of the Ursine population, and just when I was starting to think you'd reformed. For those of you who weren't watching, Stephen placed bears as number one on the Threatdown once again, out ranking wasps and aliens! That's just irrational!!! And what was his justification? He claimed that we are fighting against Christmas all because a polar bear replaced Santa as the mascot of Coka-Cola. Come on, you know better. Their stock has fallen about 15% since last year at this time and Santa is one of the world's biggest celebrities, plus he's really busy running from mall to mall listening to little children's wishes and all that. They probably can't afford him anymore. Polar bears are a lot less expensive and just as cute. Plus they're every bit as Christmasy as snow and trees. Beyond that, Coka-Cola has also been using penguins in their commercials, but are they on the Threatdown? I'll give you a hint... NO! Okay, that wasn't a hint, that was the answer. Sorry, this just gets me really upset. I know that his hatred of bears comes from his own self-loathing, but that makes it worse.
That does it. I'm going to phase one boycott. Everyone can still watch, but you have to go the the bathroom for all the commercial breaks. Drink a lot of water everyone!