Sometimes you need to be reminded of what you have before you remember how good it is. That’s the way it was this weekend.
The timing was perfect, in a Murphy’s Law sort of way. I just spent last week giving all my thanks and then suddenly, BAM! it gets freezing cold and dark really early. I guess I’ve been watching too much late night TV cause I didn’t really notice. I blame the Cartoon Network for putting Adult Swim on so late. What gives? It’s like there's some group of people that don't stay up late that they don’t want watching this stuff.
Anyway, it was then that I realized I owed a big thank you for indoor heating and florescent lights. Without them, I’d sleep half the year away like most of my bear cousins. That would be really annoying, especially for you, my wonderful readers, who would have to deal with blog entries like this from November to April...
*snore* *snore* mmmmm... honey *snore* *snore*
or if I’m not dreaming...
*snore* snore* *grumble* *snore* *grumble* *snore* *snore*
What’s worst, I’d have hire an assistant and dictate garbage like that just to keep my deadlines. While that might do for reporters in the turkey controlled media, I keep higher standards.
Unfortunately, Thanksgiving has come and gone, so I’ve missed my opportunity to be thankful about those things. Why does giving thanks have to be limited to only one day a year? Cruel cruel world! Why can you not let us give our thanks any day we wish?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?
Oh well. There’s always next years, provided I'm still alive and my brain hasn't been removed and replaced with microchips.
And while we’re on the subject of bears, I feel I should take this opportunity to enlighten you, my fine readers, on an eating disorders that afflict the majority of the Ursine American population today. Most of us don’t like to talk about it, but it’s really a sad cycle that must be broken. So few of us are willing to break the silence that there’s not even a proper name for the condition.
Every year, the vast majority of bears spend April to November binge eating, going from emaciatedly thin in the spring to morbidly obese in the fall. They then stay in their caves and starve themselves throughout the winter. In the end, they crawl out of their caves a scrawny ton and a half only to start the cycle all over again. I’m one of the few Ursine Americans that does not suffer from this problem, but I encourage those that do to speak out. To my Ursine American cousins, there is no need for you to suffer in silence any longer. For the rest of you, I encourage you to be understanding and supportive of these poor victims of this horrible and damaging fad diet.
Good night and the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Four
Damn you Mr. Colbert... or should I say Mr. "Co-bear!" Once again you mis characterize the motives and intentions of the Ursine population, and just when I was starting to think you'd reformed. For those of you who weren't watching, Stephen placed bears as number one on the Threatdown once again, out ranking wasps and aliens! That's just irrational!!! And what was his justification? He claimed that we are fighting against Christmas all because a polar bear replaced Santa as the mascot of Coka-Cola. Come on, you know better. Their stock has fallen about 15% since last year at this time and Santa is one of the world's biggest celebrities, plus he's really busy running from mall to mall listening to little children's wishes and all that. They probably can't afford him anymore. Polar bears are a lot less expensive and just as cute. Plus they're every bit as Christmasy as snow and trees. Beyond that, Coka-Cola has also been using penguins in their commercials, but are they on the Threatdown? I'll give you a hint... NO! Okay, that wasn't a hint, that was the answer. Sorry, this just gets me really upset. I know that his hatred of bears comes from his own self-loathing, but that makes it worse.
That does it. I'm going to phase one boycott. Everyone can still watch, but you have to go the the bathroom for all the commercial breaks. Drink a lot of water everyone!