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Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Years Resolutions

Well, Halloween’s passed, Thankgiving’s done, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and Saturus, however it’s spelled, have all at least gotten started, which leaves only one more major occasion in this big spree of holidays, New Years Eve, or as alcoholics prefer to call it, Amateur Night! Oh boy, I’m really looking forward to forgetting how I rang in the New Year!!!

Sadly, the New Year isn’t all about streamers and kisses and blackouts, it’s also about the very serious tradition of the New Year’s Resolution. Yes, that’s right, 2006 is yet another opportunity to get our ducks in a row and our lives in order. I for example want to cut back on honey so I can loose half an ounce. (I’m eight inches tall, what to you want from me!) But if this year is like pervious years, I’ll be back to sneaking honey by February and just adding it to everything I eat by March. And according to experts, I won’t be alone. Apparently, most people renege on their New Years Resolutions long before the summer starts. While numbers seem to be hard to come by, it seems safe to say that most Resolutions go unfulfilled.

Were this just for us, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but we’re Americans and we need to do better. We’re fighting a war of terror and broken Resolutions make us look weak and uncertain to our enemies. So I’ve given this a lot of thought and I believe there are things we can do about the broken Resolutions, make easier ones.

It’s like you’re the principle of a school and you want to get the test scores higher. Sure, you can forward innovative policies that will make teachers more effective and encourage students to work harder, but that’s hard. If you just ask easier questions, you get more right answers and everyone gets smarter!

With that in mind, here’s my list of New Years Resolutions:

1) Don’t Smoke: As a non-smoker I bet I can beat my addiction and habituation with no problem at all. Consider this one done.
2) No Adultery: As an unmarried bear, I think I can avoid this with little difficulty.
3) Don’t get Divorced: This one’s also really challenging to break as an unmarried bear. Just remember to avoid Las Vegas and Britney Spears.
4) Don’t Hibernate: While sleeping four or five months might be good for the waist line, it just seems lazy to me and I have stuff to do. I’m a busy bear so it’s indoor heating and artificial lighting for me all the way.
5) Keep Writing my Blog: I love my blog and I love my fans. This is a great Resolution because I’m going to love keeping it!
6) Get a New Shirt: This one’s getting old, and I think I can get at least one new shirt in the course of a year, at least if people click on my ads so I can get paid by the ever expanding, yet immensely benevolent, Google A.I.
7) Watch All Seven Seasons of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer: New in the SanctuaryEast archives are these wonderful documentaries about the vampire infested town of Sunnydale, California. Not only are they very entertaining, but they’re highly informative. Making it a Resolution is a great way to excuse spending 140 hours on a couch watch television.
8) Enjoy New Years: Me, friends, a bottle of brandy. I think I can get this one done.
9) Break At Least One Resolution: Well, no one can be perfect, so this is the best resolution of all. If I fail to keep one Resolution I can smile because I’ve completed another. YAY! GO ME!!!
10) Cut back on honey and loose that half ounce: First, notice that I wrapped both of the things I’m likely to fail at into one resolution. This means I can miss two things and only fail once. NOw that’s okay because I’ll also be succeeding once. As long as I do the other 9 I’m keeping 90% of my New Years Resolutions, and that my friends, is an A. Well, an A- technically, but that's still good. Not only will I pass, but I will do so with flying colors.

So come on America, we need to show to the world that we’re reliable. So let’s take a bunch of stuff we’d do, or not do, anyway and call them New Years Resolutions! That’ll show those nay-sayers of American stick-to-itism what we’re all about!!!

Colbert Water: Week Seven

Uh oh. I may have done it again. For this last week there’s been no Colbert Watch. There’s also been no Daily Show. I hope I didn’t boycott them out of existence like those poor Latverians. You have to believe me, I only wanted to change Steven Colbert’s heart, not eradicate his existence! CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!!!


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