I’ve been hearing a lot about the War on Christmas, and I think it’s just horrible. I mean all these people running around shooting people and blowing them up and dumping napalm on each other over a holiday. While there is some ironic humor in all this violence in the name of the birthday of a guy who earned the nick name “The Prince of Peace” I just don’t find it very funny.
What I find even less funny is the way the turkey controlled media just ignores all this violence. I mean, it’s a war, what are the death tolls? Who’s winning? What are the local, national, and geopolitical consequences of a warfare raging within the boarders of the worlds last remaining superpower? I’ve done a great deal of research and no one’s talking about it!
However, for those brave men and women in uniform battling for the spirit of Christmas, I have discovered something very dangerous in my research. Just look at this!
Not enough proof for you? Check out all these facts!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus and Satan are one and the same!
This is the most dreadful news I’ve ever heard! To think that one of Christmas’ closest allies is the arch enemy of the guy who’s birthday everyone’s celebrating... it’s dreadful!
By the way... why is it that on the day this Jesus guy was born everyone gives each other gifts but no one give him anything. I’m sure Jesus would love a new bike or a cardigan sweater or something. Let’s face it, the guy really never had a lot of money, and that was before he died. We all sadly know how expensive funerals are so that probably wiped out what little savings he had and I don’t think people who are resurrected are eligible for Social Security, so shouldn’t someone get him something nice?
Anyway, back to the evil that is known as Santa Clause. I urge all those fighting for Christmas to not trust this seemingly jolly evil fat man too much lest you be run over by his demonic flying reindeer or lulled into selling you soul for what’s inside his sack.
But as always, I do have a solution. Do what Coka-Cola did. Dump that Santa guy and get an icon that you can trust, a polar bear. They’re the perfect representation of this wintery holiday, if you ignore their love of penguin and seal meat. (Yum!) Sure, they don’t have an army of minions to construct toys for millions and millions of children across the world, nor an endless supply of coal lumps. On the other hand, their also not the disguised representation of raw evil, corruption, and everything bad in the universe. Also, they’re big and cuddly and live on the north pole and much more accessible on a year round basis than Santa Clause. You can probably talk to one at your local zoo, though their English isn’t very good. You can even dress them in red if you want, just make sure they’ve been well feed first. In the end, I guess it’s a trade off, but I think you’ll be happy if you try it.
There is still one thing that really bothers me... “Santa works one day a year, while Satan every day but Christmas and Easter. Coincidence?” Does this mean that the Easter Bunny may also be another guise of Satan?!? It could make sense. After all, how many rabbit that you’ve met that didn’t possess demonic powers had the ability to lay eggs? None, right? That’s just what I thought.
Good night and Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.
Colbert Watch: Week Five:
I’m sorry to all my loyal readers this week. One of my friends left Soul Caliber III at my house while he went away for vacation. Sadly, this has resulted in me “one last match”ing my research time away. I have no idea what Mr. "Co-Bear" has been up to this week, but I’m sure it’s been ursinophobic. Therefore I urge you all to continue to go to the bathroom for all the commercial breaks of his show. For those of you with roommates or children or stuff, I’m sorry if this has caused you to add additional bathrooms to your house, but this bear hatred must be stopped, especially if we bears become the new symbol of Christmas!