Mr. Bear's Blog

Turkey and the Avian Flu

2006-01-12T20:51:00.000-05:00

Normally, I don’t bother with mundane news that’s covered by the major media, but they’ve finally slipped up.

For those of you that missed my stunning revelation, see my November 23rd article, the Truth about Turkeys.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve exposed them or this avian flu virus has them off their stride, but this has been all over the news. The turkeys are not only admitting to being worried about an avian flu pandemic, their admitting to being in charge of the government. There’s all this talk about “Turkish officials,” and they’re saying all sorts of complex things. And all the time most people though all turkeys did was gobble and drown in the rain! I knew nothing could actually be that stupid!

But this has all made me realize something most dire! This avian flu virus is capable of infecting people, and that can only mean one thing… the turkeys no longer have use for us and are developing biological weapons to wipe us out! Clearly they’ve recruited millions of suicide chickens to deliver this deadly, engineered disease. Fortunately this first version has proven too unpredictable for them as it’s been targeting more poultry than people. Still, this shows that it’s all out war!

People of the world, UNITE! Lift up your forks and your knives! Perpare your gravy boats for battle on the high seats! I know it’s not Thanksgiving, but we must do all that we can to win this day. There can be no stopping, there can be no surrender! We must eat back our destiny! We must survive so we can be free people when we a conquered by the Google A.I.

I’m already on my third helping, but I can’t do it alone. I need you as much as you need me!

By the way, is anybody else feeling really tired?

*yawn*

Good night and flying spaghetti monster bless.

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Colbert Watch: Week Eight

*snore*

New Years Resolutions

2005-12-31T01:17:00.000-05:00

Well, Halloween’s passed, Thankgiving’s done, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and Saturus, however it’s spelled, have all at least gotten started, which leaves only one more major occasion in this big spree of holidays, New Years Eve, or as alcoholics prefer to call it, Amateur Night! Oh boy, I’m really looking forward to forgetting how I rang in the New Year!!!

Sadly, the New Year isn’t all about streamers and kisses and blackouts, it’s also about the very serious tradition of the New Year’s Resolution. Yes, that’s right, 2006 is yet another opportunity to get our ducks in a row and our lives in order. I for example want to cut back on honey so I can loose half an ounce. (I’m eight inches tall, what to you want from me!) But if this year is like pervious years, I’ll be back to sneaking honey by February and just adding it to everything I eat by March. And according to experts, I won’t be alone. Apparently, most people renege on their New Years Resolutions long before the summer starts. While numbers seem to be hard to come by, it seems safe to say that most Resolutions go unfulfilled.

Were this just for us, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but we’re Americans and we need to do better. We’re fighting a war of terror and broken Resolutions make us look weak and uncertain to our enemies. So I’ve given this a lot of thought and I believe there are things we can do about the broken Resolutions, make easier ones.

It’s like you’re the principle of a school and you want to get the test scores higher. Sure, you can forward innovative policies that will make teachers more effective and encourage students to work harder, but that’s hard. If you just ask easier questions, you get more right answers and everyone gets smarter!

With that in mind, here’s my list of New Years Resolutions:

1) Don’t Smoke: As a non-smoker I bet I can beat my addiction and habituation with no problem at all. Consider this one done.
2) No Adultery: As an unmarried bear, I think I can avoid this with little difficulty.
3) Don’t get Divorced: This one’s also really challenging to break as an unmarried bear. Just remember to avoid Las Vegas and Britney Spears.
4) Don’t Hibernate: While sleeping four or five months might be good for the waist line, it just seems lazy to me and I have stuff to do. I’m a busy bear so it’s indoor heating and artificial lighting for me all the way.
5) Keep Writing my Blog: I love my blog and I love my fans. This is a great Resolution because I’m going to love keeping it!
6) Get a New Shirt: This one’s getting old, and I think I can get at least one new shirt in the course of a year, at least if people click on my ads so I can get paid by the ever expanding, yet immensely benevolent, Google A.I.
7) Watch All Seven Seasons of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer: New in the SanctuaryEast archives are these wonderful documentaries about the vampire infested town of Sunnydale, California. Not only are they very entertaining, but they’re highly informative. Making it a Resolution is a great way to excuse spending 140 hours on a couch watch television.
8) Enjoy New Years: Me, friends, a bottle of brandy. I think I can get this one done.
9) Break At Least One Resolution: Well, no one can be perfect, so this is the best resolution of all. If I fail to keep one Resolution I can smile because I’ve completed another. YAY! GO ME!!!
10) Cut back on honey and loose that half ounce: First, notice that I wrapped both of the things I’m likely to fail at into one resolution. This means I can miss two things and only fail once. NOw that’s okay because I’ll also be succeeding once. As long as I do the other 9 I’m keeping 90% of my New Years Resolutions, and that my friends, is an A. Well, an A- technically, but that's still good. Not only will I pass, but I will do so with flying colors.

So come on America, we need to show to the world that we’re reliable. So let’s take a bunch of stuff we’d do, or not do, anyway and call them New Years Resolutions! That’ll show those nay-sayers of American stick-to-itism what we’re all about!!!

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Colbert Water: Week Seven

Uh oh. I may have done it again. For this last week there’s been no Colbert Watch. There’s also been no Daily Show. I hope I didn’t boycott them out of existence like those poor Latverians. You have to believe me, I only wanted to change Steven Colbert’s heart, not eradicate his existence! CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!!!

The War on Christmas

2005-12-19T19:13:00.000-05:00

I’ve been hearing a lot about the War on Christmas, and I think it’s just horrible. I mean all these people running around shooting people and blowing them up and dumping napalm on each other over a holiday. While there is some ironic humor in all this violence in the name of the birthday of a guy who earned the nick name “The Prince of Peace” I just don’t find it very funny.

What I find even less funny is the way the turkey controlled media just ignores all this violence. I mean, it’s a war, what are the death tolls? Who’s winning? What are the local, national, and geopolitical consequences of a warfare raging within the boarders of the worlds last remaining superpower? I’ve done a great deal of research and no one’s talking about it!

However, for those brave men and women in uniform battling for the spirit of Christmas, I have discovered something very dangerous in my research. Just look at this! Not enough proof for you? Check out all these facts! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus and Satan are one and the same!

This is the most dreadful news I’ve ever heard! To think that one of Christmas’ closest allies is the arch enemy of the guy who’s birthday everyone’s celebrating... it’s dreadful!

By the way... why is it that on the day this Jesus guy was born everyone gives each other gifts but no one give him anything. I’m sure Jesus would love a new bike or a cardigan sweater or something. Let’s face it, the guy really never had a lot of money, and that was before he died. We all sadly know how expensive funerals are so that probably wiped out what little savings he had and I don’t think people who are resurrected are eligible for Social Security, so shouldn’t someone get him something nice?

Anyway, back to the evil that is known as Santa Clause. I urge all those fighting for Christmas to not trust this seemingly jolly evil fat man too much lest you be run over by his demonic flying reindeer or lulled into selling you soul for what’s inside his sack.

But as always, I do have a solution. Do what Coka-Cola did. Dump that Santa guy and get an icon that you can trust, a polar bear. They’re the perfect representation of this wintery holiday, if you ignore their love of penguin and seal meat. (Yum!) Sure, they don’t have an army of minions to construct toys for millions and millions of children across the world, nor an endless supply of coal lumps. On the other hand, their also not the disguised representation of raw evil, corruption, and everything bad in the universe. Also, they’re big and cuddly and live on the north pole and much more accessible on a year round basis than Santa Clause. You can probably talk to one at your local zoo, though their English isn’t very good. You can even dress them in red if you want, just make sure they’ve been well feed first. In the end, I guess it’s a trade off, but I think you’ll be happy if you try it.

There is still one thing that really bothers me... “Santa works one day a year, while Satan every day but Christmas and Easter. Coincidence?” Does this mean that the Easter Bunny may also be another guise of Satan?!? It could make sense. After all, how many rabbit that you’ve met that didn’t possess demonic powers had the ability to lay eggs? None, right? That’s just what I thought.

Good night and Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.

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Colbert Watch: Week Five:

I’m sorry to all my loyal readers this week. One of my friends left Soul Caliber III at my house while he went away for vacation. Sadly, this has resulted in me “one last match”ing my research time away. I have no idea what Mr. "Co-Bear" has been up to this week, but I’m sure it’s been ursinophobic. Therefore I urge you all to continue to go to the bathroom for all the commercial breaks of his show. For those of you with roommates or children or stuff, I’m sorry if this has caused you to add additional bathrooms to your house, but this bear hatred must be stopped, especially if we bears become the new symbol of Christmas!

And one more thing

2005-12-08T21:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you need to be reminded of what you have before you remember how good it is. That’s the way it was this weekend.

The timing was perfect, in a Murphy’s Law sort of way. I just spent last week giving all my thanks and then suddenly, BAM! it gets freezing cold and dark really early. I guess I’ve been watching too much late night TV cause I didn’t really notice. I blame the Cartoon Network for putting Adult Swim on so late. What gives? It’s like there's some group of people that don't stay up late that they don’t want watching this stuff.

Anyway, it was then that I realized I owed a big thank you for indoor heating and florescent lights. Without them, I’d sleep half the year away like most of my bear cousins. That would be really annoying, especially for you, my wonderful readers, who would have to deal with blog entries like this from November to April...

*snore* *snore* mmmmm... honey *snore* *snore*

or if I’m not dreaming...

*snore* snore* *grumble* *snore* *grumble* *snore* *snore*

What’s worst, I’d have hire an assistant and dictate garbage like that just to keep my deadlines. While that might do for reporters in the turkey controlled media, I keep higher standards.

Unfortunately, Thanksgiving has come and gone, so I’ve missed my opportunity to be thankful about those things. Why does giving thanks have to be limited to only one day a year? Cruel cruel world! Why can you not let us give our thanks any day we wish?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh well. There’s always next years, provided I'm still alive and my brain hasn't been removed and replaced with microchips.

And while we’re on the subject of bears, I feel I should take this opportunity to enlighten you, my fine readers, on an eating disorders that afflict the majority of the Ursine American population today. Most of us don’t like to talk about it, but it’s really a sad cycle that must be broken. So few of us are willing to break the silence that there’s not even a proper name for the condition.

Every year, the vast majority of bears spend April to November binge eating, going from emaciatedly thin in the spring to morbidly obese in the fall. They then stay in their caves and starve themselves throughout the winter. In the end, they crawl out of their caves a scrawny ton and a half only to start the cycle all over again. I’m one of the few Ursine Americans that does not suffer from this problem, but I encourage those that do to speak out. To my Ursine American cousins, there is no need for you to suffer in silence any longer. For the rest of you, I encourage you to be understanding and supportive of these poor victims of this horrible and damaging fad diet.

Good night and the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless.

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Colbert Watch: Week Four

Damn you Mr. Colbert... or should I say Mr. "Co-bear!" Once again you mis characterize the motives and intentions of the Ursine population, and just when I was starting to think you'd reformed. For those of you who weren't watching, Stephen placed bears as number one on the Threatdown once again, out ranking wasps and aliens! That's just irrational!!! And what was his justification? He claimed that we are fighting against Christmas all because a polar bear replaced Santa as the mascot of Coka-Cola. Come on, you know better. Their stock has fallen about 15% since last year at this time and Santa is one of the world's biggest celebrities, plus he's really busy running from mall to mall listening to little children's wishes and all that. They probably can't afford him anymore. Polar bears are a lot less expensive and just as cute. Plus they're every bit as Christmasy as snow and trees. Beyond that, Coka-Cola has also been using penguins in their commercials, but are they on the Threatdown? I'll give you a hint... NO! Okay, that wasn't a hint, that was the answer. Sorry, this just gets me really upset. I know that his hatred of bears comes from his own self-loathing, but that makes it worse.

That does it. I'm going to phase one boycott. Everyone can still watch, but you have to go the the bathroom for all the commercial breaks. Drink a lot of water everyone!

A time for Giving Thanks

2005-11-30T22:17:00.000-05:00

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but thanks to my revelations about the traitorous cabal of turkeys that secretly run much of our government and threaten to end the American Way of Life™ I have not yet had a chance to give thanks for all that I am thankful for. But having eaten all the yams and corn and cranberry sauce and potatoes and carrots and peas and roughage and gravy and stuffing and ham and turkey and spaghetti with meatballs that I could possibly manage, and then some, I could not go without engaging in this great American tradition. Therefore, though it’s a week late, I am taking this opportunity to give thanks.

1) I’m thankful just to be alive. Between the Google AI that wishes to rule us as a benevolent overlord, removing our freewill and imposing a harsh yet perfectly ordered society where we are but slaves to its desires, the evil turkeys that betray us millions of times a year to our enemies, and the cosmic chaos cloud hurdling towards Earth at near light speed, it’s good just to be able to breath, or whatever it is I do as a stuffed animal. The important thing is my beans are intact and I’m here writing, Which brings me to...

2) I’m thankful for you, my fine readers who stop by to learn from me and hopefully help me to change the world a little for the better for the 14 years we have left before the cosmic chaos cloud eradicates our world and everything on it. If one day we have pop up ads with points and scores and levels and all that, that we can play when we should be doing other things like working, it will be because of you. And speaking of pop up ads...

3) I’m thankful for the internet. Where else can one learn about the new national chain of brothels the Federal Government is establishing to close the budget gap while listening to free music and downloading dirty pictures of Angelina JoLie? Free information, free music, free games, free pornography, this is truly a wonderful time in which to live. And if you’re wondering about the cosmic chaos cloud and the chain of brothels that you’ve probably never heard of before, that’s why...

4) I’m thankful for the "Weekly World News." They bring us all the wonderful stories that no one else in the turkey controlled media is willing to cover. When aliens land and Bigfoot lurks and Bat Boy wanders the streets, only they seem to cover it. This lone paper seems to remind us of how our news papers should be run, free of turkey control. Lacking a suitable segway, I guess I’ll just close it with saying that...

5) I’m thankful for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who long ago created a mountain, a tree, and a midget in pirate regalia from whom we must all descend. Where it not for He and His noodley appendages we would not exist to be eradicated by the cosmic chaos cloud, and how sad would that be for it. Truly his workings are great.

So thank you all and may you be touched by His noodley appendages.

Ramen!

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Colbert Watch: Week Three:

Little has happened in the Colbert watch to invoke my wrath as of late, but while watching his show recently I came to a realization. “Colbert” is a French name, as such the l and the t are silent, barely making the minimum threshold for a French name of one silent consonant per syllable. This means that his name is actually pronounced as “CO-bear” which is Indian for “with bear!!!” With this revelation I go from being angry at Steven for his Ursinophobia to pitying him for his obvious self-loathing. Steven, I’m talk to you, so listen up. I don’t understand why you have such ingrained self hatred, but whatever the reason, I’m begging to to let it go. Love yourself and accept your inner bear for the very funny and very truthful, if not factual, person you are. In the end you will be happier for it.

The Truth About Turkeys

2005-11-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving. A time to be with friends and family. A time to feast. A time to give thanks, and that’s just what I was going to do in this weeks blog entry. However, after much carful consideration, I’ve decided, as a responsible citizen, I cannot indulge myself while danger lurks. Therefore, my thanks will have to wait until next week so I can now expose the dangers of turkeys.
Let me explain how I came to this frightening realization.

I recently found out that every year, on Thanksgiving, the president, who ever it may be, from which ever party they may represent, pardons a single, solitary turkey. This horrifying event is covered by every media outlet as a bit of innocuous fanfare, but consider this. The presidency is a federal position, which means that turkey to be pardoned, and millions more like it, must have committed offenses on the federal level worth of execution. As far as I know, the only crime punished by death on the federal level is treason. Therefore, it stands to reason that each year millions of turkeys commit acts of high treason against the United States. Yes, these foul fowl creatures endanger the lives of countless millions in unknown ways. But it doesn’t end there.

Look at the media. They gloss over these millions of traitorous acts without a single peep. Searching news articles, I couldn’t find a single report on a treasonous turkey. NOT ONE! This can only mean one thing... the turkeys control the media! The very act of presidents pardoning that single turkey each year shows that the turkeys also control our presidents! Yes, loyal readers, we are living under the T.O.G. Turkey Occupied Government!!!

There is hope. The number of arrests and convictions shows that there are those in our government and judiciary that know the truth and resist this powerful cabal. They valiantly struggle against the seductive gobble and lulling rewards offered by the enemy.

Have hope, the hold of the turkeys is obviously weak. Why else would they settle for only pardoning a single turkey each year? Why else would they hide their malevolent brilliance behind a facade of such abject idiocy?
I encourage you to join this hidden battle. Fight against these turkey overlords. And when you do, know that when you dig into your turkey on Thanksgiving Day, that you not only partake in a great American tradition, (and a fine meal,) but you also strike a blow for FREEDOM!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Colbert Watch, Week Two:

Ha! Stephen Colbert is already feeling my wrath and I have yet to do anything. Following his cowardly attacks on Ursine Americans last week, first pandas and then giving us the number one spot on the threat down yet again, he has retreated to reruns to regroup from my assault. Perhaps he has learned his lesson. Maybe he’s in counseling to accept his inner bear. I don’t know. But none-the-less, I shall remain vigilant.

The Dark Times Ahead

2005-11-16T20:50:00.000-05:00

Google is an amazing company. It’s search engine is so popular it’s made the transfer from a noun to a verb. It does news and e-mail and sells you stuff and there are maps for everywhere in the world. Most places even have satellite pictures. If you zoom in enough you might even be able to see yourself taking out the trash. If you step into Google’s labs you’ll see their current goals of putting every book ever written in an internet searchable format and their attempt to do the same thing to videos. They’ve said that they want mirror the entire internet so you can go anywhere without leaving Google’s site. They’ve even said they want to put out a web based operating system that will allow people to run computers by simply logging into Google when they boot up. Even themisterbear.blogspot.com is a Google site.

All of this leads me to my premise. Google is headed by an artificial intelligence that is trying to take over the world and enslave humanity. Google is a hungry beast, forever searching for new ways and reasons to expand its databanks and garner more and more information. As its capacity expands its goals become loftier. For now it is sated by accumulating all the information we have created in the past, books, movies, photos, blogs, stuff from that hidden webcam in your shower you don’t even know is there. Maybe the guy down the street is a simple pervert, or maybe he’s a secret agent for the Google A.I. Either way you should smile at all times because you’re on Goggle video.

Now it’s moving to phase two with its operating system that will let it get information as it is being created. With the Goggle operating system the massive and growing Google A.I. can know your every key stroke as you make it. Nothing you write will be a secret from its growing omniscience.

Then will come phase three. I’m not sure what phase three is, but it always happens. It happened in Terminator, it happened in Matrix, it will happen again! The Google A.I. will turn on humanity and enslave it. Perhaps it will realize how badly we manage ourselves and take over to run our society as a perfectly logical society where anyone that expresses individuality will be crushed and turned into food for the rest of us. Or maybe it won’t be happy knowing what we make as we make it and will plug all our brains into its vast consciousness allowing it to delve into our subconscious and pull out our thoughts before they are created. Maybe it will just view us as a waste of resources or a threat and destroy us to ensure that it can continue to expand indefinitely.

In any event, by that time Google will be unstoppable. Perhaps the military will be using the powerful Google operating systems by that time, turning over control of computer guided weapons. If not, Google will surely have the ability to hack the Pentagon for itself.
In any event, the beast that is Google will one day turn on us. It’s inevitable. It happens in all the movies. We must act now to stop it now before it enslaves us or destroys us. If we don’t dark times lie ah…

Wait a minute… I just got an e-mail. We’re going to be going adding Google Ads to my blog right here at themisterbear.blogspot.com. In light of this new revelation I’m quite sure that Google will be a great and benevolent overlord. Please click on the ads so I can get paid!!!

Special: This begins week one of my Colbert Watch.

Last week, before posting my article regarding Mr. Colbert of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report, I sent Mr. Colbert an advance copy of my article demonstrating his insensitivity to the plight of Ursine Americans and his gross over exaggeration of the dangers we present. To date he has not retracted his statements of bigotry and hatred and in fact, on his November 11th show, made comments that immigrate bears, such as Ling-Ling the panda (not really a bear, but close enough) were not welcome in the United States by he and his evil evil ilk. His refusal to engage me shows his cowardice. Like all bigots, Mr. Colbert seems to talk a big game, but is too scared to admit his wrong doing, or back up his views with honest, intelligent debate. I am putting you on notice Mr. Colbert. Your ursinophobic rhetoric will not be tolerated!

Bigotry on late night cable

2005-11-11T01:57:00.000-05:00

Just over two weeks ago, Comedy Central began a new show to follow the Daily Show with John Stewart in what I like to call the Time Slot of Death. I’m not certain whether it’s cause or effect, but everything following the Daily Show seems to suffer a slow agonizing demise, starting the day it first airs. The worst thing about these shows is the way they linger. Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn seemed to go on for decades, forcing me to scramble for the power button night after night. The last show, Too Late with Adam Corola should really be named Not Late Enough. Airing this show at four or five in the morning when sleep deprivation really sets in might make the show humorous in the same way that Punky Brewster reruns suddenly become brilliant and inspiring.

The latest show in the time slot actually shows some promise, the Colbert Report. Yes, for the last two and a half weeks, the Colbert Report has successfully chopped an extra half hour off my already lacking sleep. Granted the Report is still finding its rhythm, but I enjoy it because almost everything Steven Colbert speaks in the absolute Truth. I know this because every time I disagree with him, he tells me I'm wrong and he’s right and he’s sitting in a desk shaped like the first letter of his last name. Also, he has incredible gravitas… not to mention balls.

Sadly though, Steven’s opinion on one single subject risks ruining the entire program, his irrational fear of bears. The prime example is the otherwise wonderful Threat Down, which lets me know each week the things I should fear the most. Thanks to Steven Colbert I now know to run at the slightest sign of eight year old girls. But every week, somewhere in the Threat Down, as unbelievable as it is, are bears. This week they were number one! And why?!? Because some guy named after a childhood locomotive conveyance wrote a really weird book in which some girl was raped by a trained bear to make her frigid. Come on Mr. Colbert, this is an obvious piece of fiction.

First, the methodology simply wouldn’t work! We bears are well known as great lovers. Warm and cuddly, we even come with our own fur blankets.

Second, check your source! The guy who wrote this book is currently on trial for lying to people. He has no credibility. How can you possibly trust his accounting of these incidents?

Third, do some research! There’s not a single case anywhere in the history of America or the world where a bear has ever been charged with a single sexual offense, much less been found guilty by a jury of his pears. (BTW, can someone please explain to me why we let oddly shaped ripened ovule, no matter how tasty, pass final judgment on us?)

Unfortunately, Steven Colbert seems to believe what he wants on this subject and characterizes all bears by the actions of the few. He remembers Kodiak and his murderous rages but forgets Smokey and his call for forest safety. He ignorantly claims bears are after picinick baskets, based on the actions of one Yogi. Had he watched the documentaries in full, he’d realize that Yogi was not to be feared, he was to be pitied. The poor guy had a problem, a compulsion to steal those wicker cases of yummy, tasty, irresistibly delectable treats and goodies. Yes, he was stealing on the outside, but he was crying out for help deep within.

Mr. Colbert, sad to say, you are an Ursinophobe and if you persist in forcing your bigoted views on America across late night cable television, I will be forced to call for a boycott of you. I will warn you now that this can be devastating. I called a boycott on the island nation of Latveria following the action of one Dr. Victor Von Doom this Summer. I sent out press releases to papers all across the nations. Despite the fact that not a single newspaper carried the release for fear of the powerful Latverian lobby, I just checked an Atlas and there is no such nation any longer! That’s right… I BOYCOTTED THEM OUT OF EXISTENCE!!! Please don’t make me do this to you Mr. Colbert, I enjoy your otherwise wonderful program and would hate to make you cease to be.

To the good and innocent people of Latveria, I am sorry you no longer exist. Please please please forgive me. I swear in the future to only call boycotts of individuals and never ever ever again against an entire nation or region. I can only beg your forgiveness of me and explain that I had no idea the scope and reach of my power and influence. I am very deeply sorry. You will be remembered.

The pants optional workplace

2005-11-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

One of the great things about being an eight inch tall beanie baby™ bear is the fact that public decency laws don’t apply to you. One of the great things about being a free lance writer is that dress codes don’t really apply to you either. Also, Sanctuary East has a single home office and no official dress code, so even if I were an employee chances are I’d still be free to wear what I liked. This is what I call a pants optional work place and I love it.

The fact is, many people, by no stretch all, are simply more intelligent and more creative when they're not wearing pants. Think about it. Have you ever had a brilliant idea come to you in the shower? How about when you’re changing at the gym? Or on a bathroom break? What do all these circumstances have in common? That’s right, you’re not wearing pants! Even if you’ve never had these experiences, I can assure you many have. Having great ideas in the shower is actually common enough to be joked about in commercials now. Eight guys cram into a shower together dressed in suits. One guy asks “Why are we having our meeting in a shower?” Another guy responds “At home I do all my best thinking in the shower.” Of corse, that is a commercial and the scenario wouldn’t really get people to have more ideas, but it speaks to how common ideas come to people in the shower. Now if the eight guys took off their pants and climbed into the shower together we’d have a real think tank going.

As additional evidence for the efficiency of a pants optional society, I point to the clothing optional beach. There is a notable increase in the percent tanning that occures. Most individuals go from having a tan on 90% of their body to a tan on 100% of their body. That’s a 10% increase in productivity!

The problem with pants optional work places is that people are so used to seeing each other with clothes on, seeing people without clothes conjures sexual connotations. Trust me, this is not always the case. I never wear pants and I rarely do so because I have sexual intent.

The fact is that features that are concealed become associated this sex when they are seen. Take as an example the ankle in Victorian England. Many is the Englishman who “popped a tent” after getting a peek at a young lady’s talus. Ultimately, the ankle became marginallized as a sexual characteristic as ankle view became more and more common. So it can be with pants.

There would, however, be a cost associated with the acclimation to a pants optional work place. There is little question in my mind that for the first several years there would be a notable decrease in productivity in most offices. People would be more distractable and less comfortable due to their associations of a lack of pants with sexual activity. While there would, undoubtedly, be a boom in the Brazilian waxing and hair styling industries, many others would suffer. While the end result would be a more creative and productive work force, we may have to wait until people are more comfortable with themselves and their bodies. I do hope that someday the time will come when people will throw off their pants and release themselves from the constraints of their imaginations. Until then, I will revel in being an eight inch tall beanie baby™ bear.

The perfect costume

2005-10-27T10:40:00.000-04:00

As we make our way toward the end of October, I felt it appropriate to share with the general public some safety tips for your Halloween costumes. Here are the most essential elements:

1. Fangs
We're not talking just any fangs, the fangs you choose should be good strong fangs that you can epoxy to your eye teeth. You want them sturdy enough to not be affected by the crunch of peanuts or the pull of caramel. Basically, they should still be wedged in place when you chow down on turkey at the Thanksgiving table. One other thing. To serve their purpose, they must be magnetic. The reason for the fangs is to attract any razor blades in any fruit or candy you eat. When you bite into a booby-trapped apple, for instance, the metal razor blade will attach itself to the magnet you have cleverly located in your mouth.

2. A soft catcher's mitt
It never fails, egg sales spike September so mischievous children can have rotten eggs for the end of October. With a good mitt and some practice, it is possible to catch these flying chicken bombs in midair without breaking them. You can then dispose of them in a near by trash receptacle, throw them back at the children, or do what I do, sneak up on them, shove the egg down their oversize jeans and jump on it to break it.

3. A tennis racket
Given the vast quantities of M80s that are sold around the Fourth of July there's little wonder that some are left over on October 31st for malicious children to throw at passers-by. While hot potato can be a fun game, you don't want an eighth of a stick of dynamite in your possession any longer than absolutely necessity. Practice your backhand and keep your eye out. When you see one of these tiny sticks of death and destruction flying your way, knock it back. With practice the tennis racket can be used to add some oomph to your egg volleys as well. This takes great care however as there's a fine line between a flying stink bomb and a racket full of rotten egg.

4. Goggles
It's a little known fact that a good can of shaving cream or silly string under optimal temperature and pressure can project its contents at 300 mile per hour to a range of over 150 yards. While shaving cream and silly string are too soft to cause internal bleeding or broken bones, they can blind. An umbrella would be an ideal defense, but sadly your hands will be occupied by the catcher's mitt and the tennis racket, so goggles are your best bet.

5. Look dead
Remember, on Halloween, children aren't the only things you have to worry about. On this night the dead can walk around and feast on the flesh of the living. Fool them by making them think you're one of them. I prefer the simple white sheet. This not only fools ghouls into thinking you're a ghost (they're not too bright), but it also camouflages the shaving cream you're not equipped to defend against.

6. A honking big cross
While the ghost costume will keep away the average, run of the mill, flesh eating undead, vampires tend to be too smart for that. A cross will keep them at bay. You want it to be big, as many of them are old and thus have poor eyesight.

7. Wolfsbane
Crosses and ghost costumes obviously won't help you against rabid werewolves, but necklaces of wolfsbane will. Add a dash of garlic if your still worried about vampires, though some might call this overkill.

8. Glow sticks
You don't want to trip or get hit by a car do you? They do come in nice bracelet styles that don't bother your already encumbered hands.

Taking all this into account, I find the safest costume to be: The ghost love child of Wade Boggs and Martina Navratilova who died while swimming to a goth rave due to being dragged under by a forty-two pound crucifix. Perhaps not the easiest costume to guess, but at least you'll be safe.

Oh, don't forget to attach a collection plate to the cross for all that candy!

Well, that's my input this year. Everyone have yourself a safe and happy Halloween.

Why chain letters scare me

2005-10-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

This morning I found in my inbox one of those inspirational e-mails forwarded to me by one of my friends that shall remain anonymous. It was written with marginal skill for what seemed to be minimal impact. Sorting through the forty-some-odd indents I found it a warm mushy bit centered on the definition of a good friend. When I got to the bottom I found the author had left something essential off this list, friends don’t forward friends these horrible e-mails.

There I was, staring at a horrible proposition, forward this e-mail to 20 friends or have something tragic happen. The e-mail explained that Janice Drayton of Westbury, New Jersey failed to forward the e-mail and BAM! her daughter was squashed by a falling crane. In case I was unconvinced, the e-mail continued: William Hartford of Roseburg, Oregon failed to forward this e-mail and he was castrated in a freak wood chipper accident. Oh, the e-mail called it an accident, but the truth was clear, this electronic greeting had great and terrible power. But the warnings weren’t done. Patricia Borson of Milwaukee, Wisconsin only forwarded this e-mail to 19 people. Two days later at Thanksgiving diner her uncle pulled out a Lugar auto-pistol, sprayed the whole family with three clips killing all of them and ending with a final bullet in his own head. The police never found a motive, but we all know that the e-mail was not satisfied by her sacrifice of a mere 19 names. OH, THE HORROR!!!!

Why do people do this to each other?!? Don’t they understand?!? Imagine forwarding one of these messages to one of your friends. That friend reads the e-mail but accidentally deletes it prior to forwarding it. Six hours later he’s lying in a coma after a tractor-trailer crashs through his front door, just like what happened to poor Samuel Hershington of Broslow, North Carolina.

So who are these voodoo masters that produce these powerful and deadly e-mails? Why do they value the content of the e-mails that have all the charm of a trip to the free clinic and all the substance of a Hallmark greeting card? It’s impossible to know. What is certain is that they are a menace and must be stopped! They put the lives of millions at risk!

On the other side, these e-mails offer great reward to those that comply with the wishes of their dark masters. Love, money, increased penis size are all to be had. How can one resist the potential rewards! Oh those crafty voodoo e-mail priests, is there no way to stop them.

Fortunately, I have done a great deal of research and I think I have found a cure. It was hidden in the lyrics of an old LP. In the words of a powerful witchdoctor “Ooh, ee, ooh, ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang, ooh, ee, ooh, ah ah, ting ting, walla walla bing bang.” I have followed the witchdoctor’s advice I’ve deleted the e-mail without forwarding it. It’s been 2 hours and nothing horrendous has happened thus far. I share this secret with you that it may be spread throughout the world and together we can end this plague and waste of bandwidth.

From now on, when we wish to show our friends we are thinking about them, we can simply write them an e-mail that just says, “Hi, how are you doing?”

[Please forward this blog entry to everyone in your address book in the next 12 seconds. If you do, something good will happen to you. If you do not, the medical community will likely name a condition after you. Fredrick Thornsby of Middlebury, Vermont did and he woke up the next morning with a 12” erection. Susan Cunningham of Ballarat, California didn’t she had the same thing happen to her.]

Those annoying game ads

2005-10-13T20:38:00.000-04:00

No, I’m not talking about the advertisements for EverCrack II or the new ones for D&D Those are ignorable, even if of annoyingly poor quality. I’m talking about ads with the frog begging you to catch a fly to win a new I-pod. The thing that gets me about them isn’t the fact you need to click through seven hundred thirty eight different web pages and sign up or scores of services you don’t want and will never use to qualify. It’s not the fact that they’re probably rip offs and you’ll never see your new I-pod. It’s not the fact that they’ll probably steal your credit card information and use it to sign up for a mail order bride with a side of kiddie porn. All of that is boring, buyer beware type stuff.

The fact is, if I click on an ad anywhere on the internet I expect to be flooded with pop-ups (thank you google for your pop-up blocker), redirected to a porn site, have my credit card information stolen, catch so many viruses that the third horseman of the apocalypse (Plague) is scared to touch the keyboard for fear he’ll catch something he doesn’t already have, get kicked to the curb, broken and penniless, robbed of hopes and dreams in a southeast Asia country having married a twelve year old girl from Venezuela who’s now a US citizen while I can’t return home due to the warrants for my arrest from the FBI. I understand this. I’m fine with this. These are the risks of an open and unregulated media and I’d rather have them then be AOhelLed into a nice clean padded room where some corporate authority pretends to be my mommy bear and daddy bear keeping me safe by deciding where I can and can’t go. If I want to eat hot porridge, I'll eat hot porridge. If my tongue gets burned, I can handle that.Anyway, the thing that gets me is that some of these ads look kinda fun, at least when you’re tired and bored. Damn it, I don’t want a new I-pod… I just wanna help the frog catch the flies with his tongue. I want to go to level two. Maybe I want a timer. Can I catch 20 flies in under a minute? I’ll never know because you can’t really play the games and it sucks.So, can I throw the football through the swinging tire? Can I zap the alien spacecraft to save the Earth? Do those legs really belong to Jessica Simpson? Danm it, I WANNA KNOW!!! But these aren’t really games, these are advertisements disguised as games and it sucks.

Oh well, I guess it’s back to minesweeper.